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Diamond Blue

Introduction


    Diamond lay in the shadows, on her belly, camera pointed at the house in front of her. The house was huge, ominous, ancient and victorian. She had just gotten past the black wrought iron fences. The thunder boomed and she jumped to her knees. The storm furthur increased her anxiety about photographing the house. Her dad, a real estate agent was too scared to do it himself, so he sent her to do it, on the most stormy night of the month. Diamond's blue black hair was plastered to her head by rain, and her black t-shirt and dark blue skinny jeans were soaked. Her ghostly teal eyes portrayed fear. Many rumors surrounded the old house. Tales of werewolves, vampires, ghosts, demons. Some of a young male living in the house still, locked in the highest room.


    Diamond shuddered just thinking about the stories, then laughed at herself. She had never been afraid of the supernatural, why should she start being afraid now. A large lightning bolt lit up the sky, causing her to see a pale face at the uppermost window. The wan smiled dropped off of her face as she saw the outline. The person looked lonely and helpless, but at the same time, intimidating. She stood up and walked towards the house. She pulled at the burnished bronze door handles, but the door didn't open. She the grabbed a hold of the bronze ring that hung from the bronze lion head knockers. She tapped it against the door and it let out a mournful, hollow, thunderous noise. Diamond winced as the door slowly creaked open.......


Chapter One:


    Diamond walked in cautiously, her hand lightly resting on the doorframe. There was a faint sobbing noise, and there was a candleabra, sitting lit on a mahogany table near the door. The house was large, but beginning to mould and look not very impressive. The only stuff that still seemed intact was all the furniture, which was odd. Diamond thought nothing of it as she walked slowly, the floorboards creaking beneath her feet, her light steps making no sound but that of the floor. She noticed a flight of stairs, rotting but it seemed as though it would hold her weight. Her brow furrowed in indecision. 


"Well, I suppose I'll have to take the stairs" Diamond stated, the dislike heavy in her voice. She started towards the stairs, and as soon as her foot settled on the stair and her other foot moved to do the same, the rotted wood gave way. Diamond fell, her right leg trapped in a large hole. She could feel warm blood trickling down her leg, but she couldn't see how bad the wound was.


"Wonderful!" She shouted, sarcasm lacing her voice. Suddenly a ghostly apparation approached her, a tall, slim male with tousled black hair and deep brown eyes. "Having a problems miss?" The male asked with a gentle voice. Sure, Diamond was in a creepy house with a random male approaching her, but she wasn't scared really. "Yes I need help, my leg is stuck in a damn stair, do I look like I need help" She yelled at him. The male looked amused and walked up to the staircase. He pulled some of the boards away from Diamonds leg and pulled her backwards, freeing her. All was fine and dandy until the male caught sight of the blood.




by write_in_ink

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: Bjorn
Critique Date:04/09/2010

Critique:This felt rushed to me. You certainly have an idea of the world you want to create, but instead of focusing on the most imprtant details, you tend to make the existing details somewhat redundant. You could slow the pacing down just a bit, too. Within the first three paragraphs, you're already getting into the action. Slow it down and let the reader take in the sights too, you know? Let the reader get a feel for the setting by elaborating more, but with less redundant descriptions and this should turn out to be an attractive piece.

Grade:Average


Given By: journalistbarbie
Critique Date:05/13/2009

Critique:a very good start and descriptive very good, i didnt want to stop reading

Grade:Good


Given By: Hendrick13
Critique Date:02/08/2009

Critique:This is a great write.  There is nice imagery.  I am interested on the rest of the story.  It is definitely a great way to start it off.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Eric Arthur
Critique Date:08/28/2008

Critique:Some interesting images, but there's a modifier on nearly every idea. Aside from a few syntax problems, this is my only gripe. The excess modifiers make the story seem cluttered. The problems with this fall into these categories (which I'm making up): Too much information: huge, ominous, ancient and victorian. - lonely and helpless, but at the same time, intimidating. Irrelevancy: a mahogany table near the door - A large lightning bolt Redundancy: the rotted wood (you've already described wood as 'rotting') Overly expositional: Her ghostly teal eyes portrayed fear. (Remember: show, don't tell) These are just some examples to get an idea of what I'm talking about. I'm mostly harping bullshit here, so dismiss what you will. This seems like a first draft. If I'm wrong, ignore me, shoot me, whatever. But you have some good ideas in play, the segment is just in need of some revision. The details are great, and you definitely have a good imagination for what you're writing, but throttle back some. Let us see more of what's going on, don't just tell us. Get it? Any questions about my criticism, singinbluz@gmail.com   -Eric      

Grade:Average


Given By: auroragirl96
Critique Date:07/28/2008

Critique:Very good, but very long! Good job tho!

Grade:Excellent


Given By: SirWriteAlot
Critique Date:07/21/2008

Critique:Original concept and definite potential here although if you were more succinct it would greatly improve the flow of the piece. "A large lightning bolt lit up the sky," could be better written, "Lightning flashed across the night sky." + " and look not very impressive" coulld be replaced with "dilapidated." Also, in the second paragraph you start nearly each sentence with, "She", which detracts from the plot. Also, you could be better served conveying Diamond's thoughts in italics perhaps? as this could give it a better feel. Good start!

Grade:Needs Revised


Given By: fevilleg
Critique Date:06/30/2008

Critique:"ill-omened" sounds awkward, maybe you should rephrase it. "further increased" sounds a little redundant. "anxiety about photographing the house. Her dad, a real estate agent was too scared to do it himself, so he sent her to photograph the house" this sounds a little redundant also. "which were a shade of stare-at-me teal, unlike most peoples" this sentence also reads somewhat awkward and needs clarification. "The person looked sad, but scary." A little anti-climactic. Good start, but i would suggest printing it and reading it out loud to catch awkward sentences. I would also doubt that she would shout "wonderful" after the injury you decribe. Good start though.

Grade:Needs Revised


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:06/01/2008

Critique:An interesting story full of intrigue, having the reader waiting for the next move. It is not easy to build suspence but you did it in the first few sentences. I like when you threw in" the thunder boomed and she jumped to her knees", setting the stage or creating the atmosphere. A good write but I would like to see where you will be taking your story. Dennis

Grade:Good


 
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