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The Storyteller

 


 


The Storyteller








Once there was a storyteller.


He lived in a house on a hill, and wrote stories of flat prairies he wished to one day visit.




He loved the sky when it was cloudless.


He walked backwards to get somewhere.


He ate 5 meals a day in half portions.


He carried a pen and paper with him always.




Once there was a girl.


She lived in a house on a rock, and danced to old records to pass her days and be


merry.




She loved pineapple juice through a bendy straw.


She skipped to get where she stood.


She ate in spastic frenzies when she chose.


She had a picture of her dog in a hat with her always.




One day a path was altered, and a road brought these two planets crashing into each other .


Both apologized for they were in their own orbit, oblivious to the commandeering road-snatchers and comets of a busy street.




Too often encounters are brief, and stagnant, and theirs was no exception,


except both the storyteller and the girl wanted to be in constant motion, so they asked to walk together.




They talked.


They talked about the weather, about politics, about everything they hated to talk about.


Then they formalized themselves, and decided to voyage out some night and sail the uncharted skies of what they oh so secretly wished to talk about.




From one star to the next they jumped. 


From one day to the next they slept, then awoke, then tunneled underground to their secret vaults, 


where both had stored the other.




Hands never seemed so needed, as they now had one to hold.


Lips never seemed so vital,


and planets never seemed so willing to orbit.


 


She told him she was scared of spiders, and he of snakes.


They relocated to a street that was curved and windy like some prairie dream.




But dreams are clouded by new opportunities; new jobs.


The girl decided to sling her trajectory in a way that would break their pull.


She wanted to be a clown who cried on a stage,


and the storyteller wanted to write stories of never-ending publication.




Three weeks is close to 5 months in dog years.


Black and white is never better than color she used to tell him.


He showed her that her palm lines said she was a natural klutz,


but he had hoped she wouldn't have been with his planet.




You can't always get what you want he told her before she left to go goose-chasing.


Goodbye is his least favorite word.


Hers is,... she never told him.




He now drank cranberry juice threw a bendy straw.


He skipped meals and walking.


He now carried a picture of a distant galaxy, 


and a girl.




She now stared up into the sky.


She would jump backwards, but mostly fall.


She now carried two pictures, but one was not


funny anymore.




Then, as most solar winds do, they blew two lone stars back into their trail.


Two desperadoes who hate fences.


Two freaks in clothes and shoes and hair.




 Then with out any science,


without any hesitation,


they knew what to do with their fingers, 


and they intertwined two planets for what they hoped would be until the universe folds in on it's head,


and even then they might both object.




Once upon a time there was a storyteller who wrote out his story,


but it was not really his, 


but rather theirs,


for a certain girl seemed to lean over his shoulder and tell him where his grammar was off, and


what words to fill in the spaces he had left blank.




I guess it's fair to say this story would be cosmically impossible to tell if two planets had not


met and settled the universe beforehand.






oh, and they lived happily forever, after, and beyond.


 



by Storyteller

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: soulpath
Critique Date:03/11/2009

Critique:Am interesting read. I would agree that I would not agree with the classification however it does not effect the quality of work. Nice one. Mike

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:08/07/2008

Critique:An excellent theme and you carried it throughout the entire write. I like how you included the absurdity in a developing relationship, ie "He walked backwards to get somewhere." The ending was good too, they lived happily ever after and beyond, if that is possible. I voted you as a spotlight author because the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Good job!

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Katina
Critique Date:07/31/2008

Critique: Hi, I would place this piece into the Narrative poetry category--it  if far to story like for free verse. :) I love narrative poetry,  I don't know why exactly, it is one of my favorite genres. The reason  I gave you four stars is because of the uniqueness to this particular write. The story is absolutely brilliant! Have you entered this piece in a writing competition yet? I would like to email you some places to submit this too. One of my favorite parts: " Goodbye is his least favorite word."   Another fantatic part that I liked: " she never told him." ---------------------------------  The development of the two characters is life like, and also a bit on the whimsical side. I felt as though I was reading a fairy tale, yet, when there is such great character development,  it makes the narrative poem come to life. Another favorite part is when  the character begins to change after meeting the girl, something that often happens when two people fall in love, their ideas become one in the same, or similar. People change to please the one they care most about, and try to be "better" for them. " He now drank cranberry juice threw a bendy straw.  He skipped meals and walking.  He now carried a picture of a distant galaxy,   and a girl."   The title of the story works well and may bring you more readers. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I am not sure though, it is such a great story, you may want to consider a more fairy tale type of title, something that would stand out among all other stories, "The Storyteller" is okay, but it does not do the story justice. In my own opinion. I would wait until you receive other feedback before changing anything. I try to get at least six critiques on a piece of writing to see if there is a common element  that may need revised.  Have you read any of David Lavishers work or Ron Britton's (Sgt. B), both writers are very talented in the narrative writing genre,  Ron does a lot in Epic, Heroic Couplets, David Lavisher has an extremely narrative voice, humorous, and creates memorable characters, that you never seem to forget about. I hope my review helps a little. There was not much that I could see  that needed revised. Which is always a great thing.   Structure. I almost forgot, it is set up centered. --------------------------------------------------------------- it may read better left of center, yet much shorter lines. (I would share you with you an example here but our formatter will not allow paragraphing "YET" we are going to change this and soon!   I'll email you an example, k. Thank you for sharing this remarkable, well written narrative love story, (that is what I would call it) :) FANTASTIC WRITING, a well deserved 4  stars all the way!

Grade:Excellent


 
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