CATEGORY: Flash Fiction


A Lonely Bubble

Desperately adrift amongst the calm waves of a vast and never-ending sea, bobs a boy in a bubble. A very lonely boy inside a very plastic bubble.


"If only" says the boy


"If only I could find someone in this vast and never-ending sea"


And suddenly, as if by some miracle, he sees in the distance a girl in a bubble floating towards him.


Her name was Sarah.


Sarah and the boy had a magical time, bobbing up and down holding hands while watching dolphins in the distance. As I said, it was magical. That was, until Gary showed up. Gary's bubble was shinier than the boy's and naturally Sarah was attracted to him.


The boy tried to impress her, he tried to be friends with her, but eventually they parted their separate ways.


Once again the boy found himself very alone inside his very plastic bubble.


"If only" says the boy


"If only I could find someone in this vast and never-ending sea."


And suddenly, as if by some miracle, the world explodes. 


 



by Wcoltd (Viewed 167 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: david lavisher
Critique Date:08/10/2008

Critique:Hey, I can see that this story is a parallel of the boy meets girl, girl runs off with another boy . The idea is good and well interpreted.  Couple of things with the text don't sit right or read easily. Adrift in a vast, calm and never-ending sea... is better use of the verb 'calm'.// Miraculous miracle - one word is the other and miraculous is unnecessary.// I don't know if seagull poop adds anything to your story, my opinion only.// 'a girl in a bubble floating towards him' - is better than - 'a girl in a bubble floating towards his direction' //'but eventually they parted their seperate ways' - parted and separate mean the same thing used in this context. Your sentence might end better with - 'but eventually they went their seperate ways.'// However all credit for coming up with an original idea about an everyday subject. I like innovation and that's what this story has.    

Grade:Good


Given By: Dwazzy
Critique Date:08/09/2008

Critique:Andrew, you are a genius!  Each piece of writing made me spit coffee out of my nose (and normally this wouldn't happen more than once.)  Although each is rather short and could be expected to be part of a larger story, I can easily see them adding nicely to a book of funny, quirky prose.  In other words, I want MORE! 
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By:[Deleted User]
Critique Date:08/09/2008

Critique:Sorry W, this one did not make the grade for me. You create an impossible situation and tell a story that has no meaning for the reader. You start with the adverb 'desperately' which is quite unnecessary as you tell us later that the boy is lonely. You name Sarah and Gary but not the boy - why? If they are within plastic bubbles, they cannot hold hands. 'Vast' and 'never-ending' have similar meanings so one is superfluous. It's either 'they parted' or 'they went their separate ways.' And then the world blows up... So what are we to understand from this. If you have a meaning, it remains with you. You did not convey it to your readers. In this piece, you do not show the spark of a true writer that I glimpsed in the other one. Sorry. 
[View Replies]

Grade:Poor


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:08/04/2008

Critique:I understood your theme but how does "Suddenly, as if by some miracle, the world explodes." tie into everything else that was said? Will this satisfy his desire to meet another girl? Or, is it saying, if he is not happy then no one will be? Maybe it is me, who knows. I will give you a good rating because it made me think.
[View Replies]

Grade:Good


 
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