The Greatest Discovery Unknown to Man

Bill Banners is a very pathetic man, Bill Banners sits infront of the couch watching re-runs of cheesy action movies while eating cheesy puffs with his cheesy fingers.

But there is something bizzarrely important about Bill.

Contrary to popular belief, Einstein is a moron, things are not relative to everything else, the truth of the matter is that the universe all revolves around one single point.

Sitting in that point, is a man by the name of Bill Banners.

Bill Banners is the reason the universe was created, he is the culmination of millions upon billions upon trillions of millenia. One day, Bill was crossing the street and was hit and killed by an oncoming bus. Needless to say the universe was pretty upset, but the lives of many insignificant peons continues on.

One such peon was a man by the name of John, John delivers chestnuts to the Los Alamos Radio Array. However, John is of absolutely no significance whatsoever. What is of at least some significance is the greatest discovery unknown to man.

This is that story.

The Greatest Discovery Unknown to Man:

The Los Alamos radio array was built in the 1970's, the facility is a massive complex of towering sattelite dishes and structers with gadgets and do-dah's and things that go "ssshhhhweeeoo". The purpose of this needlessly expensive facility and all of it's noisy gadgets was to make first contact with aliens.

"Aliens? Aliens are you out there? Helloooo? Aliens are you there? Aliens...? Alliieens? C'mon Aliens we know your out there..."

over the course of 3 years this message was repeated to all corners of the universe a total number of 33,437,822,432 times. It was on the 33,437,822,433 time that the aliens finally replied. Their message was short.

"Shut up! Just shut up already! my god! Ahh!! You're so incredibly annoying."

"Hello? Uh hello? Oh my god Peter get over here!" He motions towards his collegue as he comes running over to the microphone.

Peter pauses before getting up to the microphone;"Aliens? This is a human... uh and my name is peter"

"What do you want?" Yells the annoyed alien voice

Peter scratches his balding head before replying.  "Well we umm, well I don't know what to say really, we just kind of wanted to know if you existed."

"Well then mission accomplished, can you shut up now?"

Peter replies in a quick nervous panic."No, no, um well we were just wondering if you could come down here, maybe you could show us some of your space-ships"

"Hell no... What's in it for me?"

"We could give you some of our technologies like atom bombs."

"Atom bombs! HA! those are like firecrackers to us!"

"We could give you our sexiest super-models." Suggests michael

"Gross, no, your sexiest super-models are like our ugliest, grossest women."

Out of ideas, they sit in silence trying to thinking of things to say

"Well do you have any drugs? Maybe Momorphoids, Blubonoids or maybe chestnuts?"

"Chestnuts? yeah we've got plenty of those."

"Sweet! give me a pound and you've got yourself a deal. I'll give you one of our intergalactic spaceships for that."

Peter pauses while smiling; "Hold on, who do you think I am? that's not quite fair, give us some of your ugliest grossest women and you've got yourself a deal."

"Deal...sucker."

And so, the first intergalactic drug cartel was born, over the course of only a few days 16 pounds of chestnuts were sold... it was totally unprecidented. Soon faster space-ships were sold, shinier technologies and slightly less gross women, however it wasn't long before the Intergalactic police got wind.

The sound blared through the Los Alamos speakers.

"This is the intergalactic police! we have discovered this operation and are promptly ex-communicating your planet for 3,000 years, have a nice day."

As the confiscate-o-ray was turned on, Mike and Peter watched in horror as all their shiny space-ships and gadgets were zapped away. In an instant all evidence of their descovery was gone, only to be replaced by an empty silence.

So, peter what do we do now?

I dunno. You want to play cards?

Sure.

And they sat there, playing cards while eating chestnuts with drugged-out sexy supermodels as if nothing ever happened.

THE END.

by Wcoltd (Viewed 104 times)