CATEGORY: Fiction
Agatha
Agatha Ruhnstal had worked in the bakery for twenty years, making the same cakes, pies, and pastries from scratch, just as her mother and grandmother before her. No recipes existed, but nothing ever varied from day to day or year to year. People would elbow each other to be first in line in the morning, when everything was fresh.
A strawberry turnover or a cream-filled scone was the highlight of the morning to Valerie and Lisa, the local twins. The days they couldn’t stop at the bakery were usually a disaster. One of them would fail a test at school, trip and skin her knee, or maybe tear clothing on something sharp. Agatha’s pastries fixed everything.
Tuesday morning drizzled rain on the twins as they headed for Agatha’s store, each thinking to herself what she would order. A mushy morning might call for a mushy bear claw, or maybe a gooey piece of marzipan. The fire truck and ambulance in front of the bakery brought them out of their daydreams, wondering what had happened. The yellow tape across the sidewalk meant nothing to them as they stooped and went under it.
The big cop with vomit spraying from behind his hand almost knocked the girls over as he ran from the store. Lisa felt her stomach rumble and gave silent thanks that she had not yet eaten, for she surely would have added to the slimy pile left by the fleeing officer.
Valerie’s scream brought Lisa out of her prayerful thoughts. Her sister’s screaming face left no doubt that she was looking at something hideous, and she wondered what could be more upsetting than a big puddle of police puke. She stumbled forward and peered at the floor behind the counter. Her insides made it clear that they were wanting to escape, empty or not.
Agatha Ruhnstal had one finger in the socket where the man’s eye used to be, blood dripping onto his cheek. Her other arm was halfway to her elbow down the man’s throat as she said over and over, “Daddy, I told you a hundred times, nobody eats for free, not even you.”
by jimbo (Viewed 55 times)
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: | Wcoltd
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| Critique Date: | 10/04/2008 |
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| Critique: | Ahh! Yikes! I like the paper, it is well written. However, it is generally preferred to establish the seeds to the direction of the paper, doing this by establishing characters, or through foreshadowing.
These are two excerpts that could use revising
"The days they couldn’t stop at the
bakery were usually a disaster. One of them would fail a test at
school, trip and skin her knee, or maybe tear clothing on something
sharp"
"A mushy morning might call for a mushy
bear claw, or maybe a gooey piece of marzipan. The fire truck and
ambulance in front of the bakery brought them out of their daydreams, wondering what had happened."
The paper reads like a free-form as if the plot was not pre-established, I would work on it a bit more. |
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| Grade: |  |
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