Possession

I'm having a dream, a dream that I've finally got away from everything, a dream that I'm finally free of the monster that possesses me. In the dreams I walk into a room, and there's a mirror, and when I look into that mirror, She's there. She's perfect as usual, oh so skinny, and oh so fabulous. She smiles her devilish grin, and gestures to another mirror without saying a word. I look into the mirror, and then I see myself. Fat, disgusting, ugly. The She speaks: You've definitely let yourself go. Did you think I was gone? Did you think you could just toss me to the curb like an old unwanted wardrobe? I'm here to stay until you're skinny. And you are definitely NOT skinny. Look at yourself, you're so fat, and DISGUSTING. God, you're such a worthless cow without ME. Don't you WANT to be skinny? Don't you WANT to be perfect? She sees in my eyes that I do, oh I do, so bad. I also know that by checking a scale a few days ago, I LOST weight, not gained. But for some reason, that doesn't register with me, and it probably never will. She just laughs and says: It doesn't matter if you've lost a little bit more, it's still not good enough. You're not good enough without me, you NEED me. I'll make you beautiful. Now it's my turn to smile, because I'm agreeing with her. She grins like a cheshire cat, because she knows that She's got me now. Then I wake up, once again locked in a ferocious battle of wills. But, like usual, I lose. Or am I really winning? I'm not exactly sure. I walk into my bathroom, and look at myself long and hard in the mirror. A voice whispers one word: Disgusting. I frown at my reflection. I run a bath: a bath of ice. I lay in it for hours, not really thinking of anything, just letting my body go numb. When I finally get out, I ask to go to the Y. When I get there, I take my usual spot on my favorite machine, and I get down to business. Stepstepstepstepstepstepstepstepstep. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...5000, 5001, 5002, 5003, 5004, 5005. Tha-thump, tha-thump, patterpatter, silence...tha-thump, tha-thump. I watch my heart-rate get up to the amazing number of 423. Is that even safe? Most likely not. It's certainly not healthy. I'm seeing dots in my eyes, then I don't see anything at all. But my legs keep going. I feel myself fall, and when I land, I begin to laugh. Aiiiieeehahahaahaeeeeiaahhhahahhaiiihaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. People were staring at me before, but now they're openly gawking at me. The woman who had placed herself behind me after watching me workout for four hours, gets off of her machine. "Are you okay..?" I continue to laugh: ahhhaaaeiieehahaha. After a few minutes, I stop laughing, grin, take a drink of water, and get back on my machine. People begin to whisper, but I don't care. They're just jealous. She joins me at last: I'm so proud of you, look at them staring. Keep going if you want to be thin. Thinnnnnerrrr, you must be thinnerrr.... I finally stop, and my legs almost give out. My heart is pounding in my ears, and everything seems far away. I get back home, finally. And crawl back into my ice bath, but I don't stay in as long this time. I'm shaky, and I start to walk to my room. Everything goes dark, and when I wake up, I'm on the ground. How'd I get here? How long was I out? Wow, that was longer than usual. I silently laugh at myself. I manage to get myself in my bed, and that's when the pain starts. My muscles are on fire, and I'm spasming. I drink water. I take sleeping pills, and slide into sweet oblivion. When I wake up the next day, no one's home. I get on myspace, and read the comments in my truth box. She whispers to me: People are so ignorant, and jealous. They're just jealous, because they're all fat. Fat, fat, fat. Hey, you're fat too. But you make an effort, you want to be thinner. "Thinner...thinner," I say to myself. I'm so worthless, God, I hate myself. I pinch my fat. Fat, disgusting, wiggly, jiggly, fat. God, it's disgusting. I'm so gross. No wonder everyone hates me, I even hate me. Well, not everyone hates me. But I don't understand how she doesn't hate me, it's a mystery to me. I love her. Hey, I don't need Her. I'm better than what She says, hah. I was being ridiculous, I don't need this. I'm just fine without-She screams at me: YOU don't need ME? HAH! You are NOTHING without me, do you hear me? You fat worthless cow. God, you are so STUPID. The only reason people are starting to talk to you is because YOU have ME. You don't want to be that anymore, do you? God, what was I thinking? I'm so fucking stupid, I'm fat, and that will never change. No, of course I don't want to be fat. That's what I thought, you want to be thinner, you must be thinnnnerrrrrrrrr. I whisper to myself, "Thinner."

by StormxXxBoV