A Life of Lies

A Life of Lies

  Everything she is saying is a lie. She is not trying to get better, she says it so you will not worry. She "eats" publicly, she purges in private. She has gotten good at it, she no longer makes a gagging noise when she pukes, she can do it silently while she sits. No one knows her secret, or so it seems.

   Her diet pills are running low, she will have to go and get more soon. Her friend stole them for her last time, but she is no longer ashamed to buy them. She will stand proud as the cashier glances at her body while ringing her up, "Are these for you darling?" the woman will ask. She will quickly say, "Oh, no of course not. They're for a friend." The woman knows she's lying. She tasted a friends Slim Fast, and now she's hooked. She will do anything to be thinner.

    She goes to the gym frequently to burn more calories than she will eat in days, maybe weeks (she lowers her calorie intake continuously.) She is dizzy, heart beating madly in her chest, but she continues to exercise, people all around her whispering. She stumbles off the machine when she is done, but she quickly catches herself. When she is finally home, she looks at herself in the mirror, and the voice in her head begins to criticize her. "Disgusting. Look at your stomach, are you pregnant? Cottage cheese thighs. Bubble butt. You're a disgusting cow." She is going to punish herself now, she will not eat for several days. She has already had three pots of coffee, and she is finishing a NOS. She will get no sleep tonight, for resting is a human thing, and she is above such foolish desires.

   The more control she believes she is gaining, the less she actually has. Her thoughts and beliefs are warped, her body image disturbed and distorted. The voice in her head, that seductive whisper, is now always there, every thought is followed by an input from it. The voice that promises everything, the voice she gives everything. It promises power, success, and even love. Does she get any of that? In a way, yes. Around the time she started losing more weight, she made new friends. Her writings are coming easily for her now, even though her thoughts are in chaos. She has extra money to spend, money that was meant for food is instead spent on makeup to hide the yellow pastiness of her skin, or nail polish to hide the blue tint under her nails. Her hair is falling out, it is becoming thinner (though that is not the only part of her body getting thinner, even if she doesn't see it.)

    Her twin sees it all, he knows her secret. He comments on her skin, her nails, her once coveted hair that she was once so proud of...he even comments on the weight she's lost. She loves him (she loves all of her friends, although she feels no one can love her, for she is disgusting) she disagrees with him. She is not beautiful, she is NOT sick. She is JUST FINE, thank you very much. In her eyes she is overweight, her body is disgusting (oh how everyone wishes she could see....) Her hated body taking up so much room in the world, much more room than she can allow.

    A deep long forgotten part of her hopes that through her writings about her sickness, that maybe someone will answer her silent prayer for help, that someone will be there for her...but no one answers. She can not take action on her own, the voice is a part of her now, and she can't silence it alone. She needs someone to talk to, she must make someone, anyone, understand what she is going through, what she is feeling (though she would not wish this illness on anyone, even her most hated rival.) She does not want to be alone anymore, she knows she is the one who forced her solitude. She wants someone to reach over from the light and pull her from the underworld, for she can not see the light through the fog. Will someone reach out to her? She wishes they would, but she expects it from no one, for it is not their responsibility to save her from this hell. She is no longer capable of saving herself. It seems she will find salvation in death, for she secretly wishes for death, to know what it is like on the other side. Is she getting better? No...she's getting worse.

by StormxXxBoV (Viewed 138 times)