Mind F., Desire(Less), Meaning(Less),

Mind F.

    Chilling, blinding fear. She runs, runs to save her life, or at least what's left of it. The aching pain in her stomach is a silent testimony to what she's done for months. The need in her grows, no matter how much she wishes to deny it's existence, she can no longer control it (could she ever?) She does this to herself to get rid of all desire, but she only creates an even stronger secret desire in her soul, the desire to live. She once thought that how she was going about her life was living, but she now sees it for what it truly is: she is striving for perfection and beauty in the eyes of others. The cost? All that she was, is, and ever will be. It will always lurk in the back of her mind. The ultimate price? Her life. She seeks something that is an illusion, for what is thin enough? Can she, will she, ever be thin enough? In her mind, she is fat, and to be fat is to be ugly. She loses sleep over that thought. She does not want to be like them, she longs to be free of human needs and lusts, in her mind her body is a separate entity. She is losing the battle that rages inside her mind, the little voice has always been in control of her entire being. The beautiful person she strived to be is not there, she never was. All that is left is her sickness, the thing that destroyed her life, the mind fuck that is an eating disorder.

 

Desire(Less)

    She bangs madly on the keys, her fingers playing out her manic thoughts and feelings, she is playing out her all consuming lust to end her life. She uses her music to rid herself of all desire, the desire to live, the desire to eat (which she lost long ago). Screaming now, she furiously changes her tune, she is now playing as she never has before, a haunting heart-stopping melody, her icy eyes flashing with an inner disgust at herself. Her blood has chilled in her veins, she plays faster still, her ghoulish song terrifying other's hearts. There's nothing stopping her now, she's no longer holding back, her manic thoughts are being played out for all to hear. As her song comes to an end, her heart begins to beat erratically, and as the last note fades, her life does too. She falls forward onto the keys, and she leaves the world with the notes of her death ringing in the ears of all who loved her.

 

Meaning(Less)

    "You must not eat, you must not eat." That's what the little voice in her head tells her every second of everyday, she never let's it go. If she tries to ignore her, she just screams at her to obey, "Do you want to be like them? Do you want to be FAT? Because you're almost THERE you STUPID FAT COW!" The ache in her chest, the gaping empty hole where her soul used to be, grows every day. Her hunger for knowledge, for power, the hunger to be thin enough, destroys her, but gives her life a false meaning. The same thing that is killing her makes her feel like she is alive. She does not see the changes that her body is going through due to this illness, this disease, she instead sees a fat, ugly, CHILD in the mirror, although she is far from all of those things. She is slowly becoming a skeleton, a living dead girl, for though her body keeps moving, on the inside it is dying. Her muscle tissue is eating itself, her bones are becoming brittle and breakable. Her organs are slowly beginning to shut down, and her heart is a weakened shell of it's old strong self, it's steady rhythm instead replaced by a barely there pulse, which at times turns into a manic thrum struggling not to stop going. Through all of this, she still does not see what's wrong with her. Maybe she never will.

by StormxXxBoV (Viewed 137 times)