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Crystal (Workshop 2)

The young man sat all alone, deep in thought


He wondered if he could have the courage


to leave behind the crazy life he lived


For lately, he had yearned to change his ways


...but there she was again...in front of him


Adorned with crystals, bathed in mystic smoke


A vision he had often seen and heard


She comes quite suddenly, when he is weak


But he wants to change...so maybe this time,


he'll turn her down...but probably he won't...


 


"Come quick", she said in a hastened whisper


"Here now, I have an offer just for you:


Erase the past with just one finger snap


and leave the present where you now belong


I'll take you to the future if you want,


just do what I ask you, and that is all"


He paused just for a second, then he smiled


She begged him, "The white dragon...please, chase it"


His eyes glazed over, he's under a spell


He lit the match, and thus the chase began


He followed that white beast...to highs...to lows


...and to the land of disillusionment...


Where the white dragon reigned, king of the lost


But quickly it vanished, nowhere in sight


Defeated and exhausted, senses wild,


he found his way back in such disarray


 


...And there she was again, in front of him


She kissed his cheek, looked at him with a smile


embraced him tightly, then bid him goodbye


He could not stop her as she walked away,


just watched as she faded away from sight


He bowed his head, his tears began to flow


then closed his eyes and breathed the deepest sigh


So he'd been had again...when will he learn?


Nothing is ever what it first had seemed


For now, there's only smoke that's left behind...


nothing but crystals that's consumed by flames


...And the one thing that he can't seem to see:


Just a mirage was all that she had been,


an empty promise from a hazy dream


 


 



by kuirq (Viewed 900 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: bluemoon
Critique Date:09/07/2008

Critique:A great write on many levels. Thanks for the lesson on terminology (thankfully I'm more than a little naive on this subject) You tell the whole story here, the wanting to quit but the pull is too strong, wanting the highs but they come with the lows and how it can all only end in emptiness and disillusionment (at best). Taken at absolute face your poem has all the classic ingredients of a beautiful fantasy story. The flow of your poem is excellent and the inclusion of dialogue works well, making the whole experience come to life. I really am not best placed to comment on the blank verse form of your poem, I found this part of the workshop very challenging. Ok 10 syllables in each line - that's a good place to start :) There are a few lines where the unstressed/stressed seems a little forced (to me, but I'm no expert) but hey if Shakespeare can bend the rules!! A great job with this poem Ninna. HeHe now that you and Nikko have posted your blank verse poems I feel under pressure to post mine, hmmm needs a little more work I think.
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Grade:Excellent


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:09/06/2008

Critique:I loved this write, deep and yet so true. The whole thing flows almost like lyric set to music. The message you relay is a question certain people are confronted with on a daily basis, what a shame. In NYC, when I was young, heroin was the queen that lured people to their demise. Today in the States, it is probably crack cocaine. Glad I got through it all and am alive today. Great work. Dennis 
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Grade:Excellent


Given By: CountryAngel
Critique Date:09/06/2008

Critique:In my time there was alot of stuff going on, but thank the LORD, I never did any thing and will never do any of that .... Great write Ninna.
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


 
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