CATEGORY: Fiction Bookmark and Share



A Mighty Beat

The sun beckoned Ana over the hill with warm
kisses to her brown face. Her feet ached from days of trudging
aimlessly through the empty prairie. She cursed the smiling sun’s
promises of hope just past the barren hills as she pushed along towards
some unknown destination. Desert critters sat still in their little
pockets of shade, listening as Ana yelled at the sun for beating her
down, sucking the moisture from her body, and tearing apart her skin
only to entice her with tales of a secret joy that lay right beyond the
horizon. She stumbled over a rock and fell to the ground. Her body
welcomed the solid earth, wanting nothing more than to finally rest,
but still the sun fiercely called her name. A strangled cry of resign
was all she could muster.


With
a cheek pressed against the soil, Ana closed her eyes in defeat and
listened to a breeze sweeping through short grass. A band of bulky
vultures interrupted the endless cerulean sky with their dark
threatening forms, casting sinister shadows onto the world below. As
she slowly began to succumb to the Technicolor dreams flashing behind
her eyes, she heard a slow thump. It was deep and steady, pounding like
a drum, unwavering like a…heartbeat. Beads of sweat trickled off of her
forehead forming small, swirling puddles of mud that quaked with every
thud of the great earth’s core. The soil pulsated beneath her; each
throb taking hold of Ana’s defeated soul and shaking out its weakness.
Slowly, her own heart began to beat in tandem, stealing her mind from
its reverie. Ana’s eyes flew open as the earth’s heart-song filled her
limbs with new strength. It groaned beneath her and urged her forward.
The wind whispered assurances of an end in sight as she pushed herself
up off the ground and started again on her mysterious trek. She gritted
her teeth through the agonizing pain in her muscles and began to run,
heady with the excitement of a grand finish to the tiresome journey.
The top of the hill grew closer and closer with each leap she forced
through her legs. Bounding towards the edge of the world, she threw her
head back and a wild, ferocious laugh tore through her lungs and
exploded from her mouth. She could see lush green fields rolling with
vibrant wildflowers of every hue. Ana pushed harder, eager to lie in
the soft grass. Her heart swelled, overcome with joy and exhilaration.
She reached the top and she flew, soaring high above the ethereal
natural garden, still laughing as her flaxen locks whipped behind her.
The wildflowers raised their blank faces to the wing-less angel
descending upon them and sung her name, begging for her to join them.
Floating above a sea of rich colors, Ana shut her eyes and smiled,
thanking the forces of nature for keeping their promise of a beautiful
end.



by n.dominguez

Show Brief Description

You must log-on in order to critique and grade any writings. Login here.


Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: raenie
Critique Date:03/06/2009

Critique:This is a pretty exhilirating piece, n. dominguez! Reading your title, I wasn't sure what it would entail, and having the heart and & life tie together and beat with nature is indeed very fitting. It felt like I was there, witnessing the Ana's transformation. Such a wonderful read, thanks for sharing!

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Ronin Sumomo
Critique Date:03/05/2009

Critique:I really enjoyed reading this. The description of Ana's trek is extremely vivid and your ability to incorporate nature's life really adds to the story. In the final paragraph, I couldn't help but imagine Ana's soul escaping from her body and bounding to the sublime. It seemed that her pain was qualmed by nature's mighty beat.  

Grade:Excellent


Given By: kuirq
Critique Date:03/05/2009

Critique:This is a beautiful write. I found the second paragraph to be very effective too. It's great how you were able to string the words together to create a pulse of its own. My only suggestion is to change the format from being aligned on the left to justified formatting. I think it would read better, and the first word in the second paragraph somehow got separated from the rest of the sentence, so just a little fix there. Thank you for sharing this piece.

Grade:Excellent


 
One-Stop Write Shop LLC Copyright 2007-2011
301178 visitors since November 2007!
1338 total writings, and growing!
Members Only
Writers Station
Logon
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile View Blog Send Private Message
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile Send Private Message
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile View Blog Send Private Message