| CATEGORY: Nonfiction |
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Quiet Death
Quiet Death
Quietly I exist along a broken path, littered with the wreckage of empty
promises and seemingly unattainable dreams. It's dark, but the sinister
sound of tears abandons me comfortably standing alone. The stench of
death radiates for miles. My legs are tired. I am tired. I breathe for
understanding yet lack the strength to find it. Circles - always
walking in circles, unable to trust in the person who sent me here. Ironically,
my feet are placed right where they are meant to be. I want to run away
from this moment. I want to run away from the fragments that this
moment is going to leave behind. I hear friendly voices all around me -
voices from skeletons that walked with me at one point in the past. I
can no longer distinguish their faces from strangers nor could they
ever distinguish my voice from their reflection in the mirror. My voice
is silent. My voice is meaningless where I stand. I stand alone,
silence pouring into my veins, pumping strength into my heart. Fear
resonates in my chest bringing caution to my steps. The chains I drag
behind me disappear with each step. The
skeletons, I will no longer recognize as powerful to my path. They
waste away unable to walk forward themselves. I now walk away with the
ability to fight against the footprints I left behind that were
scattered towards a quiet death.
by Kiona
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: |   CountryAngel 
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| Critique Date: | 01/06/2009 |
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| Critique: | I like this part.....
I now walk away with the ability to fight against the footprints I left behind that were scattered towards a quiet death.
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: | raenie
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| Critique Date: | 12/12/2008 |
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| Critique: | The imagery you used in your write are really impressive...I couldn't help but imagine myself in your shoes, the solace and the despair at the start. I particularly like how you repeated some words, like tired & circles..made the impact stronger for me as I read it. ---but towards the end, that beacon of hope still sparks...an inspiring write indeed, thanks for sharing! |
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| Given By: |  kuirq
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| Critique Date: | 12/12/2008 |
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| Critique: | The words were so fluid, my eyes flitted from one line to the next, and yet the message was quickly absorbed. You have a way with words that is compelling, and the change in perception is subtle indeed, which makes for a pleasantly surprising way to end the piece. Thank you for sharing. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | [Deleted User] |
| Critique Date: | 12/10/2008 |
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| Critique: | I really enjoy your writing style. My favorite part of the poem is: "My legs are tired. I am tired. I breathe for understanding yet lack the strength to find it. Circles - always ...in circles." The line here may be a good closing line. "Circles - always in circles." "Quietly I exist along a broken path, littered with the wreckage of empty promises and seemingly unattainable dreams." In the first sentence, the wording it great, however it may come across as too much for a first line. Where can it be broken up to form 2 sentences, and what words are unnecessary. Those are questions you may want to think about when revising the poem.
This piece is so close to a 4 star ranking for me that I want to jump straight through the screen to do a little bit of re-structuring of the lines. I think that is the only element keeping the piece from receiving a higher rating. I also got the sense that you may want to consider adding onto this piece, "maybe." I would definitely work on the structure of the piece and possible remove some words--(that you could either use to create new lines. Keep up the great work. You have a unique voice, I am a fan of your writing! --Katina |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | [Deleted User] |
| Critique Date: | 12/09/2008 |
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| Critique: | This is a fascinating write .Starting out so bleak, it evolves into something very positive somewhere along the way. It's very cleverly done, the transformation is almost invisible. I got to the end and thought, 'oh, how did that happen?' Good write. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | Dennis
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| Critique Date: | 12/06/2008 |
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| Critique: | A very deep and brooding message. It makes the reader dig deep for the essence being portrayed with your words. You leave a visual feeling at the end that makes us all think about individual pasts, skeletons, untruths, deception, and the desire to see beyound that to survive. When I look back over my shoulder and think about the past with all the close ones, it makes me wonder why I am still here, must be a reason. |
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