CATEGORY: Science Fiction


Blue Violet Part 1

     The last blue violet swayed in the electric breeze.  Hugh sighed as the temperature in the cryonic chamber began to drop and the fragile petals began to freeze.  Among the plant and animal species that OSS had selected for Continuation, this single violet bothered him most.  He watched as the machine carefully placed the specimen in the cryostatic chamber and began venting excess glycerol.


     David would undoubtedly accuse him of having some ridiculous childhood memory of violets in his father’s preserve. Hugh smiled faintly to himself, imagining David’s derision at such sentimentality. In truth, Hugh’s father had not given a thought to the many native wildflowers of the region, preferring to concentrate on more delicate, exotic species. Dr. Kelly’s attempts at species survival were valiant, if somewhat absent minded.


     A kick to Hugh’s feet brought them crashing down to the floor and he looked up to see David’s boyish grin. "Hey, you’re dreaming your way into overtime, buddy! Better get moving or Janet’ll be in here pushing you out with a broom!"


     Hugh laughed and grabbed his briefcase, heading out the door just as the cleaning machine headed toward his office. Janet, as David had dubbed it, was an old CL95 model. She had been due for replacement two years ago, but Hugh had bargained with the new guy in requisitions for a computer chair instead. Janet had already been in the building when David had begun his work there more than 5 years earlier. Hugh heard the click and whirr of her motor as she began her daily dust removal. A few more years on her, at least, he thought. He shook his head as he realized he was thinking of her in terms of the feminine, and turned to follow David to the platform.


     "Are you ready to do it up right tonight?" David asked, punching in the their destination on the grid.


     "Not tonight, I’m afraid," Hugh said. "I really need to check through the latest Continuation lists. They seem to be getting longer every day."


     "Is that all you do is work? You have to come out tonight! I’m gonna hit Clinton Street. Might get lucky with the ladies."


     Hugh smiled again. David’s attempts at procreation were legendary, though their results were spectacularly less so.


     "Nah, gotta work on saving our species" Hugh said.


     "You took the words right out of my mouth," David laughed as they stepped on the train.


------------------------------------------------------- 


 



by Dwazzy (Viewed 126 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: Wcoltd
Critique Date:07/30/2008

Critique:This is just excellent writing, They say the most important part about writing is establishing the characters. They also say "Monkeydoodycrumblenipple", but thats not important, what's important is I don't think the reviews are fair, you should be getting 5 stars for this, it doesn't matter that there aren't any aliens or space-ships or Humalungus recktoids for that matter (although the lack of recktoids can be seen a serious problem) The important part is that your characters have a personality, they actually seem real to me. So kudos dude or duda for this entertaining and well written piece of internet. I will promptly throw a delicious cookie in your believed-to-be general direction and hope it doesn't hit anybody in the face. -Some guy named Andrew
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: david lavisher
Critique Date:07/30/2008

Critique:Hey, I don't 'do' science fiction, so the content of your story is not what matters to me here.  What is of interest is the layout, construction, correct word use and punctuation which is as good as it gets. Unfortunately those qualities are minor things to many writers, but major things to prospective publishers. Nice to see stuff well written. 

Grade:Good


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:06/03/2008

Critique:I enjoy science fiction and you are off to as good start. There is so much you can do with this story. Imagine if the last blue violet turned out to be an alien cloaked in the present guise to grant wishes to those who care, anything is possible. You may have to identify your characters individually so that the reader has a clearer picture of events, besides that, you are on to something. Dennis

Grade:Good


Given By: Katina
Critique Date:05/31/2008

Critique:I can see that the place/time the story is set in is the future/possibly cloning, "continuation." The story begins strong, the characters are being developed. Since this is the first part of a larger work, it is hard to give a full review. There are some places that may need to be revised, to make things more clear to the reader. "He shook his head as he realized he was thinking of her in terms of the feminine, and turned to follow David to the platform." What may help in this particular story is to bring in one character at a time, describe the character, or show them doing something. Then bring in a new character. I think that having three-four character names into the story within the first few paragraphs can pose some confusion. Since this is a longer work, you could easily stretch things out a bit to build up to certain events. The ending of the first part is also unclear. I wasn't sure what happened, to the blue violet flower. Found myself re-reading the section three times. I would love to continue reading your work, as you add to it. I am interested in the story, and that takes work by the author. Once interest is captured, all you need to do is to expand on it, and build up to the conflicts of the story, and create a resolution. Starting and ending on an image is also helpful for the reader. Hope my critique helps somewhat. May I ask, if you are writing a novel or short story? Thanks for publishing your material here, its nice to read something so different. ---Katina

Grade:Good


 
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