| CATEGORY: Poetry |
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[Relentless Writing 10 Tokens]
Pisces (longer version)
Shallow as puddles
in a rushing rain
I'd rather not be
Water~
trickling, pouring
Cleansing.
I'd rather be...
I am the fish
that swims
Struggling.
Water is in me.
Still as stones
in a raging river
I'd rather not be
Water~
bubbling, flowing
Refreshing.
I'd rather be...
I am the fish
that swims
Alive.
Water is in me.
Dull as debris
in an opaline ocean
I'd rather not be
Water~
rising, ebbing
Changing.
I'd rather be...
I am the fish
that swims
Free.
Water is in me.
by raenie (Viewed 892 times)  Show Brief Description
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: |   Katina 
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| Critique Date: | 08/27/2010 |
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| Critique: | This is the type of poetry I really enjoy. The short sentences and white space add a flavor to the poem. The phrase, "Water is in me," has an inspirational meaning. I truly enjoyed reading the poem, and feel it could be published in a book with a collection, or in an magazine. I'll send you some places where you could send it for publication. Email me at my new email address: onestopwriteshopkatina@gmail.com, or skype me at: katina.woodruff. Great work! I've really missed reading your poetry. -- Katina
bubbling, flowing
Refreshing.
I'd rather be...
My favorite part:
"I am the fish
that swims
Alive."
Keep up the good work!
-- Katina |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |   Alexgia
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| Critique Date: | 03/16/2009 |
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| Critique: | I love "Water is in me" Very deep..Beautiful ... I love your writing.
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | soulpath
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| Critique Date: | 03/01/2009 |
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| Critique: | Ilove the imagery of this piece, although it firsts seems to be straight forward the spiritual layers of this piece keep building, from the title refering to the zodiacal sign, and remembering that the early Christians used the the fish as a simble of their faith. Water is often used with reference to widom, death, the goddess and the holy spirit. Then that simple line, Water is in me-as aroung 78% of the human body is water the piece really takes off. In such an apparently simple piece you have built layer upon layer of spiritial and physical meaning. Truly superb |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |  CountryAngel
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| Critique Date: | 02/04/2009 |
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| Critique: | "I am a fish that swims alive". "I am the fish that swims free".
I like those two lines.
The poem is finished.
Nice write... |
| [View Replies] |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | enamoured
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| Critique Date: | 02/03/2009 |
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| Critique: | Great stuff Nikko! Now this version looks complete in its entirety:). You truely are a talented writer. I love what you did in this poem. Such a simple topic but yet so deep. My favourite stanza has to be" I am the fish that swims free. Water is in me." Thanks so much for sharing. I'm voting this poem for the spotlight. :)**Shreya** |
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| Grade: | |
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