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Moms Never Want to Listen

            “But mom, you don’t understand,” I said as I sat on a kitchen stool.


            “I think I do, Jen.”       


            “No, you don’t. You just jumped to conclusions like you always do.” I felt bad raising my voice, but it was like she wasn’t hearing me.


            “Do not talk to me like that. I’m just going by what I saw.”


            I sighed loudly, pulling on a string on my shirt. She just wasn’t getting it. There had to be a way to compromise with my thick-headed, stubborn mother. “Mom if you would just let me explain.”


            “There is nothing to explain. I saw what I saw.”


            “If you would give me just five minutes!” She raised her eyebrows, but said nothing. I took this as a chance to continue. “He came over to give me a binder I left at school. It was raining, so–”


            “That still does not explain why he was in your bedroom.”


            “If you would stop interrupting me and let me finish!”


            “Fine, go on,” she said, crossing her arms.


            “Thank you. So like I was saying, –”


            “Oh look at the time,” she said, not even looking at her watch, “I need to get to work, and you need to get to school. This discussion was over anyways.”


            “It was not!”


            “It was to me.”


            “Mom!” I yelled, but it was no use; she was already out the door. I grabbed my backpack and ran after her shouting, “What about tonight?”


            “Oh you are still grounded. What made you think I changed my mind?”


            I rolled my eyes in anger and said, “Why can’t I go? You don’t even know what happened!”


            “I do not care why he was in your room. All that matters is that he was there, and you were there with him doing who knows what.”


            “He was just helping me–”


            “It’s over Jen. You are not going to that party.”


            “Ugh.” I finally gave up and began to trudge my way to the bus stop. She never even let me explain that he was gay.



by happygigi123

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: L.J. Boldyrev
Critique Date:03/19/2009

Critique:Great use of dialog!  I agree with Katina; this would make a great opening scene.  You really feel the frustration from the girl and the concern of the mother.  I remember similar "conversations" with my mother.  That brought back memories. If I may make a suggestion, the dialog is great.  You do get a feel for the characters even though the piece is pretty short.  The only thing I think it's lacking is description.  Obviously, it's your piece, keep it as is if you like :)  but if you did decide to go further with it,  I'd like to see more of the picture.  The color of the shirt, the faces the mom makes etc. I laughed at the end.  Can't wait to read more!

Grade:Good


Given By: Katina
Critique Date:03/15/2009

Critique:I loved it! Way to go on this flash fiction story. Or, is this part of a longer work? It could be the first scene to a longer short story, or in a book. I love it just as it is, but I like to encourage writers to take something that is great and expand on it. Especially, since your skills as a fiction writer come across so clear in the write. The ending was perfect, it made me chuckle. Good on! PS. We would like to feature this story in our March Newsletter. Please contact me soon. --Katina *I started a discussion about this story in the member forum :) I think its ready to submit for publishing, (although), the story is so light hearted, and well written, One Stop Write Shop would like to include it into our anthology (the theme could be about parents not listening, or about other issues/teens/? etc.. Please contact me soon. --Thanks!

Grade:Excellent


Given By: CountryAngel
Critique Date:03/10/2009

Critique:Great writing.. Sometimes mom's have a very hective life and do not have the time to listen... Unfortunatelly that's pretty sad.  THEY should always make the time.  Should never presume what happened. Was there a reason she didn't trust?    

Grade:Excellent


Given By: kuirq
Critique Date:02/19/2009

Critique:I loved the twist at the end too. The daughter's frustration was very evident through the dialogue and I as a reader was getting frustrated as well! I think everyone who gets to read this can relate quite well, be it if they are on the mother's side or the daughter's. You've captured the interest of your reader through the use of very effective dialogue, it's a great read. Thank you for sharing.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:02/17/2009

Critique:Probably happens a thousand times a day throughout the world, mothers and daughters. As parents, we worry and do not always trust the judgement of our teenagers, that is why parents either use, yes or no, and that is final. The ending was good, a twist and well written too, good dialogue, you carried that off well and I could not find a typo. I agree with guinevere, enjoyed the write.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: bluemoon
Critique Date:02/17/2009

Critique:Hi, I enjoyed your write, the dialogue was believable and I'm sure your readers can feel the frustration of the daughter as well as the protective concerns of the mother. Your story consists mainly of dialogue, with very little extra, yet you still manage to effectively set the scene and tell your story, which is a real achievement. I loved the ending, it made me laugh out loud and compounded the injustice felt by the daughter. An enjoyable and easy to read story with a great twist at the end. Thanks for sharing this & I look forward to reading more of your work.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: guinevere
Critique Date:02/17/2009

Critique:Enjoyed this write very much as I can identify readily with the daughter trying to communicate with a mum too quick to assume the worst, but also with the mother concerned for her daughter’s virtue! The scene was easily visualised, the dialogue could be typical of any family with teenage children, far more mature than are often given credit. Nice twist at the end made me smile.  

Grade:Excellent


 
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