| CATEGORY: Poetry |
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[Relentless Writing 7 Tokens]
She
When did the dream, become the nightmare?
Thoughts for the future, turn to dispair.
I walked on the shore line, now I'm out of my depth.
Caught by the current, I've nothing left.
When did the angel, fall to the beast.
A soul with a purpose, resting deceased.
I keep moving forward, I havn't a choice.
Refusing to listen, I've lost my voice.
The dark lord has risen, how long will he reign.
Hist'ry promises, the dragon is slain.
I bow to curruption, he takes what is mine.
Laid on the stone slab, no longer devine.
Shrouded I feel her, the one I denied.
Venemous anger, rising inside.
The dragons reign over, I am the devine
The two serpents dancing, in me unified.
by soulpath (Viewed 510 times)
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: |   Alexgia 
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| Critique Date: | 03/26/2009 |
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| Critique: | Very thought provoking...I love dark poems what I write also. the pain and despair running through this piece is very well done. thank you for a great read. |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |  Jester
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| Critique Date: | 03/12/2009 |
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| Critique: | I really liked this poem. It's filled with great emotion and is delieverd perfectly. I get the feeling of hopelessness, and instead of being saved by the devine... the devine fall into darkness and overcomes the heart and soul. All in all I really like it. I feel as if I can connect with the emotions you expressed. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |   raenie
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| Critique Date: | 03/12/2009 |
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| Critique: | This is a very engaging write, Mike. I particularly liked your first line since it draws the reading right in your poem and it's really interesting on how your poem unfolds in the end... I would rate it higher, but I did find some typos which for me, hinders the flow of thought for the poem...hopefully you could correct them---"despair", "haven't", "divine" and "venomous". And maybe a question mark at the end of the 1st line the second stanza would be better instead of a period, since you're posing a question...Otherwise, a really unique write...thanks for sharing :) |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |  CountryAngel
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| Critique Date: | 03/11/2009 |
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| Critique: | WOW, this write is very deep.
Angel, anger, and the serpent! |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |  Ronin Sumomo
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| Critique Date: | 03/10/2009 |
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| Critique: | Man, this is excellent. In reading this I envisioned an abusive relationship. The first three stanzas I could see an abused woman shaking in a corner in tattered clothes thinking these thoughts to herself in an attempt to make sense of losing her identity. The final stanza made me envision a self-righteous tyrant breathing his "venemous anger" to make her weak. This is an excellent piece and your words create an amazing visual for me (I can't explain it, I would if I could) and it makes me wish I had the talent to draw. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | Dennis
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| Critique Date: | 02/21/2009 |
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| Critique: | Wow, rather deep. I liked how the flow worked, so natural and forth right. It seems there is good and bad in most of us and the battle againdt those forces rages on. Some choose evil and live with the outcome or Karma, others choose good and hopefully live a contented life. Your last line" The two, serpents dancing, in me unified" sought of tells me it could go either way here. Interesting write and thanks for sharing it with us at OSWS. |
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