| CATEGORY: Poetry |
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She
When did the dream, become the nightmare?
Thoughts for the future, turn to dispair.
I walked on the shore line, now I'm out of my depth.
Caught by the current, I've nothing left.
When did the angel, fall to the beast.
A soul with a purpose, resting deceased.
I keep moving forward, I havn't a choice.
Refusing to listen, I've lost my voice.
The dark lord has risen, how long will he reign.
Hist'ry promises, the dragon is slain.
I bow to curruption, he takes what is mine.
Laid on the stone slab, no longer devine.
Shrouded I feel her, the one I denied.
Venemous anger, rising inside.
The dragons reign over, I am the devine
The two serpents dancing, in me unified.
by soulpath (Viewed 720 times)
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: | [Deleted User] |
| Critique Date: | 09/04/2010 |
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| Critique: | .
Hi there :) I've had the pleasure of finding your work this past week. I feel terribly embarrassed that my overloaded work schedule has kept me from it this long. I'm really enjoying your work! May I ask why you stopped logging in? I know the website seems vacant at times, but it seems to be a domino effect, if no one sticks around, the next person who logs in leaves also. Any hoo, please come back and participate, the members and especially "me" would like to read a lot more of your work. Ok, now to what I came here to do, review the poem. ** I'll edit my review so a long string of text doesn't show on your review page, it's another error that needs fixed, and unfortunately, I'm not a programmer. If you know of any good ones that come affordable, please send them our way. Thanks! -------------------Review: The harmony of the poem really makes the poem stand out. All poetry should be able to be read aloud and make sense. Have you ever taped one of your poems and listened to how it sounds? Try it with this one to test it out; you'll be wonderfully surprised at how good it truly is! The one issue I found that may not be a real issue at all is the punctuation. When adding punctuation to poetry, it is difficult to know when to place a period or comma. Some poets forget to use any, some use some and other places forget, and with yours, there are commas in each sentence, where they should be. However, the sentences could all be broken up where the commas are to use as a fragmented sentence or one that is off-set like (sentence one left of center, regular alignment, the next sentence -- below the first but a few spaces to the right. It may give the poem a bit more personality to go with the harmony it has. It seems to need a little something "more." Although, it could stand alone, but I think it needs something to make it stand out among other poems done in the same format. Hope my review helps. I also hope you make it back to the website. Please email me at: onestopwriteshopKatina@gmail.com, and let me know if you need help on the website, or want to discuss your writing. I'd be glad to help. -- Katina |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |   Alexgia 
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| Critique Date: | 03/26/2009 |
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| Critique: | Very thought provoking...I love dark poems what I write also. the pain and despair running through this piece is very well done. thank you for a great read. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |  Jester
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| Critique Date: | 03/12/2009 |
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| Critique: | I really liked this poem. It's filled with great emotion and is delieverd perfectly. I get the feeling of hopelessness, and instead of being saved by the devine... the devine fall into darkness and overcomes the heart and soul. All in all I really like it. I feel as if I can connect with the emotions you expressed. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |   raenie
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| Critique Date: | 03/12/2009 |
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| Critique: | This is a very engaging write, Mike. I particularly liked your first line since it draws the reading right in your poem and it's really interesting on how your poem unfolds in the end... I would rate it higher, but I did find some typos which for me, hinders the flow of thought for the poem...hopefully you could correct them---"despair", "haven't", "divine" and "venomous". And maybe a question mark at the end of the 1st line the second stanza would be better instead of a period, since you're posing a question...Otherwise, a really unique write...thanks for sharing :) |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: | CountryAngel
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| Critique Date: | 03/11/2009 |
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| Critique: | WOW, this write is very deep.
Angel, anger, and the serpent! |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |  Ronin Sumomo
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| Critique Date: | 03/10/2009 |
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| Critique: | Man, this is excellent. In reading this I envisioned an abusive relationship. The first three stanzas I could see an abused woman shaking in a corner in tattered clothes thinking these thoughts to herself in an attempt to make sense of losing her identity. The final stanza made me envision a self-righteous tyrant breathing his "venemous anger" to make her weak. This is an excellent piece and your words create an amazing visual for me (I can't explain it, I would if I could) and it makes me wish I had the talent to draw. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | Dennis
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| Critique Date: | 02/21/2009 |
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| Critique: | Wow, rather deep. I liked how the flow worked, so natural and forth right. It seems there is good and bad in most of us and the battle againdt those forces rages on. Some choose evil and live with the outcome or Karma, others choose good and hopefully live a contented life. Your last line" The two, serpents dancing, in me unified" sought of tells me it could go either way here. Interesting write and thanks for sharing it with us at OSWS. |
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