CATEGORY: Poetry Bookmark and Share


[Relentless Writing 8 Tokens]

Kingdom Come

Come, kingdom come.


Man's kingdom's done.


My work begun,


Where will you run,


Come, kingdom come? 




I wish not to offend you,


But could you show me please,


Where it's written in your holy book


One race is a disease.



Then, let me read the passage,


By your holy one,


That condones the rape and torture


Of their daughters and thier sons.



And last, where man may alter,


The words of those above,


So greed gives rise to hatred


Replacing devine love.




Come, kingdom come.


Man's kingdom's done.


My work begun,


Where will you run,


Come kingdom come?



by soulpath (Viewed 482 times)

You must log-on in order to critique and grade any writings. Login here.


Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: Alexgia
Critique Date:04/13/2009

Critique:Wow, I am there with Katina I got goosebumps also. Amazingly written. I completely agree.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Jester
Critique Date:03/12/2009

Critique:A poem I can toltaly agree with and understand. It sends the perfect message to those that use their faith for their own well being. Religion is one of the most controversal topics these days when it really shouldn't be at all. I wish the right people had the same thoughts and feelings as what your poem expresses. With that said, I do wish there was just a bit more meat to this poem. It expressed a lot and challenges the reader, but you leave out what your work is. I have a few ideas of what it could be, but it's not as clear as I would like it to be. If that is how you meant it to open the readers imagination then well done.
[View Replies]

Grade:Good


Given By: CountryAngel
Critique Date:03/05/2009

Critique:Great write.. We are all one.. That's all I can say.
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Katina
Critique Date:03/03/2009

Critique:Powerful write. I got goosebumps reading this piece. Good work with evoking emotion. I think the only suggestion I could offer is to possible add more to it. I think adding more about this "race" issue that is mentioned early on in the poem may help the reader know where you are taking them. Is there a specific race that has become diseased? Or, is it all mankind? That was my only question when reading the piece. I am rating the work a 3 for now, but have no doubt that you could turn it into a 4 star write. Keep working on it, and let me know if you should revise it later, I'll return to re-read and re-rate. Thanks again for posting the poem, and for joining the community. --Katina

Grade:Good


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:03/02/2009

Critique:Your write reminds me of soul searching and questioning. Faith is just that, faith. Men have questioned for centuries the justification of misdeeds, pain, death, torture and the like. It seems the answers are fleeting or as Bob Dylan said it "Blowing in the wind." And yet, there are those that have the faith regardless. Thanks for sharing this one.

Grade:Good


 
One-Stop Write Shop LLC Copyright 2007-2008
visitors since November 2007!
1231 total writings, and growing!
Designed by Developjet
Members Only
Writers Station
Logon
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile Send Private Message
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile View Blog Send Private Message Send IM via MSN
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile Send Private Message
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile View Blog Send Private Message Send IM via Yahoo Send IM via MSN
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile View Blog Send Private Message