| CATEGORY: Poetry |
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[Relentless Writing 7 Tokens]
Jasmine
Sweet is the air,
Scented with jasmine./
Spiced by the incense,
Thrown to the fire.
Dusk fevered brow,
Bows in her presence.
Closing the distance,
'Tween dream and desire.
Translucent her skin,
Entwined by the serpent.
Offered cup hands,
Wine form our sire.
Colours now fold,
Growing much louder,
Calling us onward.
Now time has expired.
by soulpath (Viewed 467 times)
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: |   Katina 
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| Critique Date: | 08/29/2010 |
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| Critique: | An excellent poem using descriptive wording! I could visualize the images, taste the wine, and smell the jasmine in the air. Good work! Could we re-post your poem for the member forum? I'd like to start a discussion on the elements of poetry writing. Thanks! My new email is: onestopwriteshopKatina@gmail.com. Keep up the fantastic writing!! |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |   madaddicted
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| Critique Date: | 03/13/2009 |
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| Critique: | This is a great poem filled with wonderful imagery. I especially liked the last stanza. Good one! |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: | Dennis
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| Critique Date: | 03/11/2009 |
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| Critique: | Why has the time expired, when you give the feelings that you did, time for love unless you do not know this, stirred my emotions and I don't even know the girl, take what you can when you can as long as she wants it too. Dennis |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | bluemoon
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| Critique Date: | 03/11/2009 |
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| Critique: | Hi Soulpath, I absolutely love the first stanza, particularly 'Dusk fevered brow, Bows in her presence. Closing the distance, 'Tween dream and desire.' It's full of image, scent and atmosphere; simply beautiful. The symbolism loses me a little in the second stanza (I'm not good at deciphering meanings, they have to leap out at me). 'Wine form our sire.' Should that be 'from our sire'? Colours folding gives me the impression of diminishing or fading, but you follow it with 'growing much louder', maybe you could help me out here with your meaning. The first stanza is definitely 4 star quality, you just need to lose the / at the end of your second line. I'm not as sure of the second stanza, but that's probably me not you & I'll happily revise my overall grade when the penny drops. |
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| Grade: | |
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