| CATEGORY: Poetry |
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Train of Retrospection
Train of Retrospection
Platform breezes,
spitting rain,
red brick station,
vintage train.
Take a seat,
relax with ease.
Conductor's voice,
'Your tickets please'
Time to leave,
the whistles cry,
release of brakes,
hydraulic sigh.
Boiler stoked,
the pressure's high,
clouds of steam
feed hazy sky.
Pace increases,
prospects vast,
golden sun,
then shadows cast.
Tunnel vision,
fortunes passed,
speed illusion,
double fast.
Transport systems
side by side,
railways clatter,
waters glide.
Broken buildings
all but hide
industries that
sadly died.
Sleeping coalmines,
unforged steel,
stillness grips
the potter's wheel.
Once fired kilns
no more anneal.
Unemployment
fears turn real.
Dereliction,
overgrown.
Shattered lifestyles,
hope unsown.
City's future
lies unknown.
Lives to whet
on worn out stone.
Climb aboard the yester-train
to days of work, then back again.
by bluemoon (Viewed 501 times)  Show Brief Description
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: |   madaddicted 
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| Critique Date: | 05/22/2009 |
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| Critique: | I've never been on a train before but you paint the picture perfectly. It really feels like I'm there. You've done it again, another excellent poem! |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |   Katina
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| Critique Date: | 05/21/2009 |
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| Critique: | Wow Sharon, where do you come up with this stuff! Incredible poetry writing here. I am impressed! What I enjoyed most about this poem was the tone. There is almost a playful (rhyme scheme) going on. It pulled me in right away. The centered format is also something that worked. The seriousness of the poem does not come until a few stanzas into it, which gives the reader a chance to feel the rhyme, get into the mood, then think about the "whys" that this piece was created. Super work Sharon~! |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |  CountryAngel
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| Critique Date: | 05/04/2009 |
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| Critique: | AS always Sharon, another great write..
Been on many trains in my life while living in B'klyn, N.Y.
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |  raenie
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| Critique Date: | 05/04/2009 |
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| Critique: | As I was reading your poem, I can't help but hear "Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo" in the background--I do think that you have succeeded in mimicking the train sounds and I am all the more impressed with your talents, Sharon :). The short verses contributed a lot in lending to the rhythm of a train chugging away...Bravo to you for putting a much deeper meaning to something which we deem so simple as a train ride--sad isn't it how despite technological advances, other local industries are meeting their deaths? Hopefully something can be done...Thanks for this very rhythmic piece, couldn't help but feel like I boarded the "Train of Rerospection" as well...hmm btw by any chance is this the time when you boarded the train to meet up with Shreya? |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | kuirq
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| Critique Date: | 05/04/2009 |
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| Critique: | I loved the rhythm and beat as well. The short lines really helped give an overall feel of being fast-paced. It's great how you started off with vividly describing the experience of travelling by train, then moving on to the surroundings as they pass, and then gradually moved on to the inner thoughts, giving observations of how much has changed. I love how those inner thoughts, though short, could delve so deep. It gives us as readers really something to think about how much of the working industry has died to pave the way for new technology. May I note a typo in platform, the t seemed to board a different train :). Thanks for sharing this Sharon, I'm glad your 'train of retrospection' welcomes everybody on board, makes us think about our own specific environments as well. I think here, our cottage industries and artisans have seemingly taken a backseat due to their lower production, but I think they should be given their fair share of exposure and a chance to be masters of their craft. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | Dennis
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| Critique Date: | 05/04/2009 |
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| Critique: | Very political Sharon, along my lines, things change and people are scattering to keep the ship floating, a lost and depressing feeling for those that are displaced. Unfortuneately, it is a sign of our times, people are still being layed off in America. Obama is doing his best, hope he can lift us out of this ecomomic downturn, I am very greatful that I still have a job. I like the style you used in your poem, sought of like skim Milky, different from a lot of your other poems, direct and to the point, it is so nice to watch your work develope. I think there is a book in you waiting to unfold, thanks for sharing Sharon. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |  Sgt B
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| Critique Date: | 05/03/2009 |
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| Critique: | I loved the flow of this one.......You could almost hear the engines & whistle. I loved the way you incorporated a train into everyday life.
Great job as always
~Ron~ |
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| Grade: | |
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