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Weimar Zepher


We begin our story on a blustery September afternoon, the
early winds of winter sweep through clear skies as school children sigh away
their fading memories of summer. There is one child however who was not nostalgic,
in fact, he couldn’t be any more excited. His name is Kevin and today is
his eleventh birthday.


Kevin wasn’t a terribly prividged child, and his mother
worked very hard to work up the money to buy him his birthday cake; let alone
his present. Kevin was modest and never asked for much, but he desired things,
great things, like a cyclomatic yo-yo, a Kawasaki go-cart, a Hewlett Packard PC,
and he wanted all those things, but he knew he was never going to get it. But
more than anything, more than all things put together, what Kevin wanted was an
RC Red ZEPHER - a six hundred and fifty dollar gas powered remote control
airplane, it was a red acrobatics plane, with a top speed of 74 mph, it was beautiful,
and it hung over him, across the street from his elementary school, taunting
him.


Around the birthday table his family and friends gathered
around His mother Margaret held a camera while he and his friends Timothy and
Evan, locked arms and flashed bunny ears.


“Happy Birthday to you,


Happy Birthday to you,


Happy birthday dear Kevin,


Happy Birthday to you”


“Alright Kevin, make a wish and blowout the candels”


With all his concentration he closed his eyes, he tried to
think of that airplane in his hand, and he made is wish with great focus, and
then took a deep breath, and blew out the candels with suprising ease.


“Hooray!”


“Alright open your presents”


This year he got a butterfly yo-yo with his friend Timothy,
and a thin sweater from his mother.


Kevin walked outside to make his way to the bus stop, he
looked up and noticed low clouds hung strangely, low intimidating and almost
green as he walked he came across the most curious thing, a ten dollar bill,
right on the ground, perfectly clean, and so Kevin bent over and picked it up
and put it in his pocket, and then he saw another, and directly behind him
another. Suddenly exhilaration came across him, he looked up to see thousands,
no millions of bills falling from the sky. His birthday wish had come true.


And so Kevin shouted and cheered, and he ran into the streets,
picking up all the money he could, soon, money began to fill the streets, and
neighbors and friends, and children in the school bus all started filling their
pockets with cash.


“So when Kevin had his six hundred and fifty dollars, he
walked to the store to see the store keeper mopping up his floor, he showed the
storekeeper his money, and the store keeper nodded his head.”


“I’m sorry, I know you want that plane, but I’m afraid no
amount of money can buy it.”


“What why not?”


“Well, it’s like this, Money used to be something that was
hard to come by, it took a lot of work to get it, but now, all it takes is for
someone to go outside and pick it off the ground. Tell me, what’s the worth of
something that can be easily picked up off the ground?”


“Aww, don’t cry Kevin, you’re too old, I’ll tell you what,
an opportunity just opened up. My cashier just quit the other day, wouldn’t
listen to me, thought she had a fortune. Here grab a mop, if you impress me I
might give you a job, and before you know it, you might find yourself flying
that plane”


 



by Wcoltd (Viewed 592 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By:[Deleted User]
Critique Date:05/18/2009

Critique:I enjoyed reading this story with the message that things of value have to be earned. I liked how you set the scene at the beginning and how you developed the main character. Your first paragraph is in the present tense but for the rest of your story you switch to past tense. ''the early winds of winter sweep through clear skies as school children sigh away their fading memories of summer.'' - great sentence with both concrete and abstract imagery. There are a few spelling and grammatical errors - prividged/privileged, candels/candles, blowout/blow out. //Kevin walked outside to make his way to the bus stop, he looked up and noticed low clouds hung strangely, low intimidating and almost green as he walked he came across the most curious thing, a ten dollar bill, right on the ground, perfectly clean, and so Kevin bent over and picked it up and put it in his pocket, and then he saw another, and directly behind him another.// - This is a huge sentence and should probably be split into several sentences. //“So when Kevin had his six hundred and fifty dollars, he walked to the store to see the store keeper mopping up his floor, he showed the storekeeper his money, and the store keeper nodded his head.” - this sentence doesn't require speech marks. A good story that will be improved by further editing. I enjoyed it, thanks :)

Grade:Good


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:05/15/2009

Critique:A nice little story with a moral to it, nothing is free. At least Kevin had a way to earn the plane he wanted, so in a sense all was not lost. On a realistic note, your story reminds me today's economy, if you do not have work, how can a person buy anything, scary. Enjoyed your write, only one thing though, in the line "This year he got a butterfly yo yo with his friend Timothy. Should it have been from his friend Timothy, just curious.

Grade:Good


 
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