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Domestic

It's like breaking out of prison, except the bars are invisible and only you know where they are.

Tressy

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Other Critiques of this Work

Given By:	[Deleted User]
Critique Date:	06/07/2009

Critique:	I am giving the quote 4 stars, because it is powerful, and to the point. Your message is conveyed nicely here. I think you would get better reviews (ratings) if you moved it into the Quote section. Also, the use of italics in quotes may work well. It depends on the taste of the author though. Something to try if you want. To change where your writing is located: Log in, go to the members only area, click on My Writing, then open the link that you would like to edit/change. At the top where it reads: Located, click the scroll down bar to where it says: Quotes (or other area) that you would like to move your writing to. Then, click update writing at the bottom of the page. Your writing will be moved to the new area immediately, and all previous reviews go with it. (Just an idea). Thank you for sharing this quote. PS. You could also lengthen the quote to create a poem, by using these first two sentences at the first couplet. There are a lot of options. I'm glad you joined the community, you have a nice voice for poetry. --Katina


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Given By:	raenie
Critique Date:	06/02/2009

Critique:	Hi tressy :), I do think that this revised version of your quote ties the thoughts better--it sure has a lot of insight for such a short line, definitely made me think as well...I just would also hav eto agree with bluemoon with regards t the semi-colon usage, maybe a comma would be better? Aside from that, I really liked your write since it speaks volumes. Thanks for sharing :)


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Given By:	kuirq
Critique Date:	05/30/2009

Critique:	This string of words are definitely food for thought, especially since its a fairly descriptive and imaginative way to put it, leaves much to think about. I agree with bluemoon as well about "are" replacing "and"...unless you were thinking of something else (perhaps "guards"?) to add but didn't notice you weren't able to add it. bluemoon also presented something interesting about using different punctuations to break the quote. Like she said, choosing between the ellipsis and comma would be definitely up to you and the effect and message you want to convey. Might I say though it's a pretty hard toss-up, both have good effects. Thanks for sharing this.


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Given By:	Dennis
Critique Date:	05/28/2009

Critique:	I agree with Bluemoon about the "and" being an "are", reads better and ties it together. Imagine if you had a novel filled with your one liners in places now and then. It would not only make the reader think, it would also promote the theme, or, if your quotes is what you do, go for it, I have enjoyed it so far.


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Given By:	[Deleted User]
Critique Date:	05/28/2009

Critique:	An interesting statemement that will strike a chord with anyone who has broken free from an emotionally/ mentally stifling situation or relationship. So much said in just a few words, yet the reader can't help but ponder on the situation that produced them. I think your first 'and' should be 'are' - 'except the bars are invisible'. I believe that it would be more accurate to replace the semicolon with a comma. If you're using a semicolon to connect two clauses, each needs to be independent ie. it needs to make sense as a stand alone sentence. Your second clause doesn't, unless you lose 'except'. If you're after a longer pause between the two clauses, then you could use an ellipsis (...). I think comparing the two statements ( comma vs ellipsis) would give two different feels. "It's like breaking out of prison, except the bars are invisible and only you know where they are." - sounds like quite a matter of fact statement. "It's like breaking out of prison... except the bars are invisible and only you know where they are." - almost gives the reader a sense of seeing your thoughts unravel, being there at your point of realisation. See what you think. Sorry I got a bit carried away, that's what happens when a write makes me think, hope you don't mind my thoughts here. Thanks for posting :)


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