| CATEGORY: Flash Fiction |
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Revelation
She silently bid me to follow her and I eagerly did, excited to know whatever secret she was going to show me. Reverently, she beckoned me to a worn out, wooden box and lovingly wiped it with her hand. It was beautiful and I wondered what precious thing it held. She took my hand and motioned for me to open it.
I did and I was completely in awe...right in the very center, amidst very fine scraps of silken cloth, lay a perfect acorn shell.
Contrary to the fairy tale, it was an acorn shell and not walnut. Believe me, Thumbelina herself showed it to me.
by raenie (Viewed 1012 times)  Show Brief Description
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: |   hansvonlieven 
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| Critique Date: | 12/13/2009 |
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| Critique: |
She
silently bid me to follow her and I eagerly did, excited to know
whatever secret she was going to show me. Reverently, she beckoned me
to a worn out, wooden box and lovingly wiped it with her hand.
The overuse of adverbs in the first sentence spoils what otherwise would have been a good piece of flash. Adverbs should be used sparingly, if at all, especially in flash fiction. All books on writing agree on this. Apart from this the story is charming and well written.
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |   Dennis
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| Critique Date: | 06/03/2009 |
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| Critique: | Thank you raenie, that was a brief and well written moment of excitement, you had me going and wondering too and if Thumbelina was proud, I think I would be too. Good idea and very well presented, great idea! |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: | [Deleted User] |
| Critique Date: | 06/03/2009 |
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| Critique: | A short but delightful piece of flash fiction. You take the reader by the hand as they also wonder what secret could be held within a worn out wooden box. Rich in imagery, and beautifully written. I love the double twist at the end, not only the realisation that the writer is being led by Thumbelina, but also the revelation that the story we all know so well was wrong all along ;) Might be just a personal preference, but a couple of words don't quite fit for me - in the first line I'm unsure of the word 'come' in that context. In direct speech it would be correct to say - she said "come with me", and I eagerly did - but in this case I'm wondering whether 'go with' or 'follow' may be better. The other word is 'awed', I would possibly use 'in awe' or 'awestruck'. As I said, it may be just my personal choice, and as it stands I completely love this write. Thanks for making me smile :) |
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