CATEGORY: Children Stories Bookmark and Share



A Bedtime Story




 


 


 





 


 



 


 



Oriana and Corwin laid down in their beds.


"Read us a story." To mommy they said.


Mommy looked up with a glow in her eyes and told the two children she had a surprise.


She went to the books then from the top shelf she pulled down a book with a glow in itself.


She turned the first page then started to read. An adventure grew forth from that glowing seed.


They soared through the sky on a giant blue bird to a land full of silence where nothing was heard.


Then rode on a centaur through a forest of oak where trees walked and talked like regular folk.


They saved a young Pegasus, just learning to fly, from a fifty-foot snake with red beady eyes.


Then ate lunch with some giants and danced with the elves


Had a run in with toads and got warts on themselves.


A witch tried to cook them. An evil prince hang them. They were sucked in a whirlpool where the mermaids entranced them.


The grandest adventure they went on that night.


When the last page was read mom turned out the light.


The adventure was over or so it would seem.


"Goodnight," whispered Mommy, "sleep tight and sweet dreams!"



by orcore

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: bluemoon
Critique Date:06/08/2009

Critique:What a delightful children's story. I loved the flow and rhyme, not to mention the imaginative imagery. I can see this poem written in couplets, one on each page of a book along with a colourful illustration. I would try to increase the size of the font a little, although I realise that's sometimes easier said than done. I really enjoyed it, but it was over so quickly, I wanted to read more. I was wondering if you could try adding another couplet to each mini adventure to give a little more detail. Just a couple of suggestions which may enhance the flow slightly - Line one replace 'laid' with 'lay' (avoids the double d sound) //They saved a young Pegasus, just learning to fly, from a fifty-foot snake with red beady eyes. - 'Pegasus, just' seems a bit of a tongue tie, perhaps you don't need 'just', and for the sake of perfect rhyme and also a stronger image, perhaps the snake could have 'one red beady eye' - ' They saved a young pegasus learning to fly, from a fifty-foot snake with one red beady eye'// These are only suggestions, the story is great already, thanks for sharing it with us.

Grade:Good


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:06/08/2009

Critique:I am impressed, the rhyming was great and the story had a good flow, a reader can picture the two young kids in total wonderment as mom enjoys herself watching their expressions, good job, you seem to capture what children are about.

Grade:Good


 
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