CATEGORY: Shape Bookmark and Share


[Relentless Writing 14 Tokens]

Under Your Umbrella

oh

dome of  

 shelter from life’s pain,

shield me, let me breathe again

keep raging storms of hurt at bay

dissolve dark clouds to clear love’s way

brief interlude from tempest times I plead

warm cloak of faith in darkest hour of need

then if I reach the bottom of the rocky slope

t

h

e

 

o

n

l

y

 

w

a

y

 

t

o

               go     up

                                       is            …. I hope



by bluemoon (Viewed 363 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: raenie
Critique Date:06/11/2009

Critique:You just have so much creativity in you, Sharon! I enjoy reading your poems, and your shape poetry is such a delight to read since they're very visual as well. It's enough of a challenge to write a wonderful poem, but to arrange it in a way to create an image makes it more amazing! Like Ninna, I loved how you positioned the "up" word, it really made me smile. I just loved how you used the umbrella as a metaphor for something deeper... your poem definitely made me rethink my views of it  :) Thanks for sharing this and looking forward to reading more of your shape poems, you definitely have a special talent for it!
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: kuirq
Critique Date:06/10/2009

Critique:This is very creative, Sharon :D. I can imagine it's not easy to think of lines just the right length in order to conform to the shape of an umbrella like you did. And I love the metaphors you used, everything's tied to the theme perfectly. I must say I loved the handle of the umbrella...so visual and literal the way "up" really went up, nice touch :), somehow gave the poem an additonal air of lightness and hope. May I say that I think a pause is needed in the 4th line...however, I'm thinking that adding a comma after "me" in the 4th line might distort the shape...so then again, maybe the comma can be left out ;).  Thanks for sharing this, Sharon. Made me smile to see such a visual treat that has so much meaning as well. You're making me curious what other shape poetry you'll come up with. It's really been fun and interesting to read :).
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


 
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