CATEGORY: Flash Fiction Bookmark and Share



A Violent Attack

 

It seemed, in every aspect, a normal summer's day. The sun hung like a huge golden egg yolk in a flawless cerulean sky. The earth felt warm, and assorted floral notes melted together in a honeyed symphony. The atmosphere held the vibrant buzz of life as youngsters chased between the beautifully tended garden and their humble dwelling.

 

Inside, the mood was less carefree. New to the neighbourhood, this extended family had met only with hostility, and disrespect for their way of life. The adults sensed the hatred towards them harboured imminent danger.

 

Shadows shortened and the temperature crept steadily upward; the neighbours would soon be out, brandishing their intolerance. The youngsters retreated, staying indoors to shelter from the guaranteed abuse and violence. The end of normality came with a strange chemical smell which rapidly concentrated, robbing their home of oxygen. Choking and burning they fought to escape, to find relief in the open air. Blinded and overcome by fumes, one by one, they ceased fighting, ceased breathing and ceased to exist.

 

The wasp's nest hung in silence, a lifeless memorial to its community.



by bluemoon (Viewed 429 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: hansvonlieven
Critique Date:12/13/2009

Critique:This is flash as it is supposed to be. Well told, with a good ending and a twist. Well done.  
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: raenie
Critique Date:07/06/2009

Critique:It's amazing where you get your inspiration for your writing--can I have some of it, please ;)? I'm happy that you're still on a flash fiction roll-- I really enjoyed this particular story since it had me guessing till the end! I noticed this is longer than your usual flash fiction pieces, but it worked out perfectly--I felt like I had my fill of the story, complete with your beautifully poetic descriptions (I particularly loved your first paragraph, I could almost be there!) and yet you still manage to leave clues (once you read back on it, I like it when that happens since I read back & say--why didn't I catch that before??)----hmm your title alone is a major clue...I couldn't help but smile (sorry, wasps) at the end since I was thinking mice ;) You sure had me and I just loved this! You definitely didn't leave your readers short ---just a little suggestion--in the line, "robbing the air inside their home of oxygen"--maybe you could omit "the air inside"? Again this may be just my muddled brain, but I think it reads better without it---- thank you so much for coming up with this piece, hopefully there wouldn't be any "violent attacks" on wasps any time soon ;)
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: kuirq
Critique Date:07/06/2009

Critique:Ah, those poor ____! Hehe, I won't supply the word for other readers' sake, just in case they read part of this review in the Writer's Station! I think I have mastered blocking off all possible scenarios and just letting your words take over....I get way off course anyway! This much I can say, I definitely thought of "humans" and definitely not any other species, so the ending got me smiling thinking you got me again!  I love the first paragraph as well, very vivid and poetic indeed. I have to say that not being limited by a hundred words does have its advantages, since it is still considered as flash fiction and you were able to draw out the scenario really well, not being limited by your word count. That's really great! It's really admirable how you get to think of these twists, I love how a single line turns everything around and upside down, then inside-out, hehe. Thanks for sharing this, perhaps it helps give my brain an exercise, giving me those twists! :)
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: CountryAngel
Critique Date:07/06/2009

Critique:Wow good story Bm.  I agree with the twins. Where do you come up with all the wonderful writing you do? I sure could use just 1/4 of a inch worth. Keep it up :)
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:07/06/2009

Critique:When I first read this I did not get it, I thought you were talking about people, the last line clued me in. I guess that is how you set it up intentionally, to drop the bomb at the end and it worked too. Your choice of words and discriptions, even though it was short were great, sought of your signature, great work Bluemoon and so glad you are branching out.
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


 
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