Revised A Pebble, or the pond - Poetry : One-Stop Write Shop

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Revised A Pebble, or the pond

A Pebble, or the Pond

Upon the plains of time

Hides the Alpha and Omega

Wherein lies his multi -layered canopy of creation

Into these webs we are born

A pebble, or the pond.

Many are the waves upon the waters

In which the pebble was thrown.

Sparkling rays of sunshine, reflecting

Gentle ripples atop the depth.

The newborn babe, innocence personified

Brings joy in the fulfillment of adolescence

In twilight of life, after the hardship and sorrow

In his memoirs it will be written

When his last breath mingles

After his eyes have seen their last

When life closes its door

Upon his epitaph what will be written ?

The paths he walks in life are many

Some meander among the mountains high

Others wander where the valley lays low

When asked, his map reads

Into this pond a pebble was born

Unto myself I took your shame

Past the Shadows of death I ask

What are you to be

A pebble, or the pond?

by Paladin elda (Viewed 452 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work

Given By:	raenie
Critique Date:	07/16/2009

Critique:	Hi Paladin elda :) I really liked your write--it's a very deep and thought-provoking poem--really made me wonder myself--am I a pebble or a pond? I loved the metaphor that you used here--it's very fitting with the questions that you posed--I just have to ask for some clarification with regards to your use of "Omaha"--maybe you meant Omega? for Alpha & Omega (beginning & end) because if it were Omaha, it's a bit puzzling for the reader--here are other suggestions --I suppose "where in" could be written as one word, and "multi-layered" a dash in between...maybe you could also omit the apostrophe's in some of your words since they don't connote ownership--for words innocence, sorrows, walks, valleys...and in your line "Others wonder where the valley’s lay low"---maybe the word "wonder" there should be "wander" instead?---------------------------------since you are posing a question for the line "Upon his epitaph what will be written" maybe you could put a question mark at the end?...also for the line "When ask, his map reads"--for the word "ask" maybe you could change it into past tense & put a colon in the end ? Something like "When asked, his map reads:" and for your 2nd to the last line maybe you could rephrase it for it to flow better--"What are you to be..." and your last line could have a question mark in the end to pose the final question-- "a pebble or a pond?"------------------------Sorry if my suggestions seem to be strung together so much, I hope I didn't make you dizzy----I hope I didn't overwhelm you with my suggestions, and I hope that I was able to help somewhat (it's all up to you whether or not to revise it of course)--your poem is a wonderful write, the meaning that it conveys is truly wonderful--thank you for sharing this insightful poem and I look forward to reading more of your work--enjoy your day!------After your revisions, I've rated this as 4 stars---it's really such an insightful poem, and very beautifully written, keep writing Joe :)
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Grade:

Given By:	bluemoon
Critique Date:	07/15/2009

Critique:	Hi Paladin, The title of your write drew me in, already giving an inkling of the depth of thought in your write. I guess in life we need both pebbles and ponds, and we can each be both of these things in differing circumstances. There's so much about this poem that I like, the only reason I'm rating this as a 3 rather than a 4 is because of the edits required. Raenie has done an excellent job in catching those edits, so I won't list them again. Let me know if you make any changes & I'll review it again. Thank you for sharing your wonderful poetry. ***** Revised rating to 4 stars after edits. A beautiful and thought provoking write.
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Given By:	kuirq
Critique Date:	07/15/2009

Critique:	Hello, Paladin! I love it how you were able to give so much meaning to something mundane such as a pebble and a pond. It's a beautiful poem full of imagery that has brought one from the beginning of life to the end, and the transition is quite smooth. And towards the end of your poem, it truly makes one think of the role they play in life. You ask such a simple final question, but it entails an answer that could be quite complicated. I was only able to read the revised version, and I really like what I've read. Thank you for sharing this, I think you readers will truly be made to think of who they are.
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Grade:

Given By:	Dennis
Critique Date:	07/11/2009

Critique:	Your poem must of taken a lot of thought. I say this because you make the reader wrestle with thoughts and emotions, all the while wondering where they fall in the mix of things. What is their fate and is it justified or does it really matter. We are here on earth and we exist. You out did yourself with this poem and the depth of thought it provokes is why I will give yoy the highest 4 star rating that can.


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