Loveless act I (almost my final update!)

I updated this because im now almost finished with act I and I am in desperate need of some feedback. So if you would please read through and give me what ever feedback you have that would be much appreciated. I tried to write this as closely as possible to classics like Milton's Paradise Lost and similar works so feel free to ask any question in regards to the format, meanings of some of the allusions or metaphors, or anything else please ask, thanks. God this one took a while, the rest shouldn't take as long, i hope.

Sorry about the wierd lines but I've been trying to fix this for a while, I don't know why the lines look like this, but I give up trying to fix it. It's probably a problem with world or something.

 

Loveless

Act
I

These
sacred three unite on somber morn,

By
Dawns first light an oath will tie the men

To
she who lit the world with life in love

And
gave her gift to her beloved men.

Her
wings, the wings of time, covered the land,

Out-stretched
like wings of doves who'span covers

The
breadth of all creation and the three

Who
swore by blood their lives and swords to she

To
claim her gift she gave men long ago.

Their
solemn blood they gave to find her gift

On
sacred bank they swore by rushing tide.

With
adamantine binds their oaths were sung

To
seek her jewel, ever bygone by man

On
fateful day the gift was lost for all,

By
one.

In
days long past the gift was mans to own

And
on display for all to see this gift

In
all its awe and infinite splendor.

Exalted
high on alters tall and grand

Within
the reach of most malicious man,

The
darkest king in all the land of men.

He
sat on his ironwood throne and plot

Of
high mutiny against the goddess high

To
steal her gift and embezzle the light

Which
emanates from her be gifted glam

So
on darkest of nights our wretched king

Doth
abscond with the greatest gift to man

Now
see him well as he did lounge after

Foul
deed was done prize was his to present

On
mantles grand in his great hall to feed

His
swelling pride he feels ready to charge

The
throne of her most high ascended place

And
to usurp her throne of solid gold

And
brand his mortal name on her immor-

Tal
shell and carve his memory into

The
minds of his enslaved subjects for all

Eternity.
He feels no fear of an

Immortal
fall from her high grace for he

Plots
to dissolve his bands and raise himself

To
her most high level and to destroy

Her
most sacred eternal place on high.

Now
see him well the deed is done he bids

His
thanks unto himself, his almighty

And
everlasting strength and his divine

Knowledge.
Now see the name he wished to carve

In
stone upon the plates of time and the

Tablets
of history for all to read.

His
name was King Apollyon

O
see this king in his mighty splendor

In
all her radiance he doth now shine

Like
polar star who's luminosity

Stretched
forth to guide thrice magisterial

Far
travelers to their recipients

Sahara
dwelling place and in richness

He
had adorned his pompous chest like

The
gifts bequeath thine magi's Easter King

With
rod and scepter he holds now power

Supreme
over the men who's fate he now

Does
own. But in his drunken celebration

And
deadly pride like he who once shown

As
bright as our good kings black halo and

In
foolish pride had charged the one greater

Than
him and  deadly fall from high on the

Horizon
doth lie for thy king as she

Has
sent on wings aflame her messenger

Of
death to come and on his wings rides her

Command
to her servant named Azriel.

The
Goddess gave command to Azriel,

"Bring
death to he, Apollyon and carve

My
name into his pompous chest and hide

My
gift so those not worth its light may take

From
those I love and be thy judge so that

The
men worthy of my heavenly light

Partake
in its glory but be wary

My
Azriel, the world of men hath be-

Trayed
me and my kindness to all their kin

And
that I gave to them my greatest gift

That
I myself envy above all else

And
gave in free to thy own fathers past

Now
King Apollyon hath took my gift

And
betrayed me and all his fellow men

Now
he shall pay the highest price and sign

His
death away in his own blood but all

His
kin shall pay the penance he bequeath

All
children soon to come until a worthy

One
reclaims thy gift to share with all

Until
that day all men shall toil and plot

In
darkness, men shall fight against another

And
seek to slay their brothers and burn

bodies
upon the high pyre of war

Alas
dear Azriel although  I must

Punish
the world of men I will await

The
day my gift just might return to their

Own
world and may it be brought to their

Longing
and open arms and hearts and may

It
light the world a new and purge the earth

Of
all the wrong Apollyon had brought."

On
the Ethereal plain Apollyon

Raised
arms against her servant Azriel.

He'll
march one million men at arms to death

So
that he may sustain his pride of place

Though
in his heart, his hoary heart like the

Old
cripples eye which sits upon his old

Visage
that stares a gaze as hard and cold

As
Donner's stone and seeks to petrify

With
serpents stare, his victims soul in stone.

In
his defiant act he brandished steel

Against
the wing of Azriel and his

Celestial
host and from his wrath had come

His
fall to stygian plains where mortal men,

Who
die in shame and burn on fields of strife.

O
see him now, the cursed serpent squirms

He
squirms under the heal of Azriel

Who
holds in hand the blessed sword and scale,

Both
symbols of power over this man

O
hear him now, O hear him beg for life.

But
Azriel, her faithful servant calls:

"You
beg for life but thou shalt not receive.

You
stole from her, goddess who gave the world

Her
gift the gift of life and now she hath

Revoked
your right to be and now I play

The
arbiter of fate and with my sword

I
shall return the blood that fed your heart

Into
the open earth from whence you came."

With
fatal strike he stripped Apollyon

Of
life and cast his soul unto the void.

His
earthly skull was plucked from off his neck

And
spit upon the highest spear to stand

Before
the gates of hell eternally.

With
this his final act complete he now

Upturns
his gaze to her heavenly place

And
swears to hold her mandate true

And
take her gift from the unworthy hands

To
which she gave to ancestors long dead.

 Now Azriel has vowed to guard her gift

Until
on fateful day man be redeemed

 And once again return her gift to earth.

Until
this day her Azriel must wait

And
stand vigil over her gift until

The
worthy one might come and unfurl wings

Of
flame from ‘round her gift and claim it his.

 

 

 

 

 

 

by Rufo7725 (Viewed 348 times)

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