War - Song Writing : One-Stop Write Shop

CATEGORY: Song Writing

War

i can see it happened again

like it happened the other day

the bodies litter the ground

and blood splattered on the hay

the men with the guns have come

the men with the guns have gone

the village burns like hell

and the smoke clouds this misty morn

(chorus)

the fire and the bullets

the swords and bayonets

the village is torn apart

it suffers the same fate

the fate of its neighbors

as the world is torn apart

the killers depart

as the survivors begin to appear

they move the dead to a shelter

their minds clouded with fear

the village lies in ruins

their homes burnt to the ground

the dead lie in heaps

and buried in a single mound

(chorus)

(solo)

months have passed

the village is back up again

no sign of the savages

the people are prosperous again

gunfire sounds in the distance

they've come back again

guess this will go on and on

until this stupid war ends!

(chorus)

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Other Critiques of this Work

Given By:	[Deleted User]
Critique Date:	08/31/2009

Critique:	Intriguing and suspenseful song you have here. I'm not sure about the first two lines: "i can see it happened again ----- like it happened the other day." Although, I see a lot of repetition in the way that the sentences go together, alternating between "come & gone." Another element I would like to bring up is the word used in the poem several times toward the end: "Again" is used so many times at the later part of the poem, I wasn't sure if this was intended, or if you had a chance to sing the song to see how it sounded. Again, I am not experienced in writing or reading song lyrics. My review may be way off. So glad you are posting your songs here at One Stop Write Shop. We don't have that many song writers among us, making your lyrics really stand out. -- Good work!


Grade:

Given By:	[Deleted User]
Critique Date:	08/19/2009

Critique:	Hi Leppard. Critiquing a lyric is so different to critiquing poetry, the problem being we can't hear how your words are set to music. Sometimes, in just reading a lyric, the meter and timing can seem off simply because we don't know the tune. Having said that, your lyric here works well as a poem. It flows well and your subject matter is clear and easy to understand, creating a poignant image of the futility of war. Just one typo on your first line 'i' should be capitalised. Good luck with your song writing and thanks for giving us a preview of your talents.
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Given By:	CountryAngel
Critique Date:	08/17/2009

Critique:	would like to hear the tune that goes with these words.... family being in the Airforce, we know where you are coming from.
[View Replies]

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Given By:	Dennis
Critique Date:	08/16/2009

Critique:	A provocative issue being raised here, and just how the hell can it happen in this world where people get used to it and blame it on war, like it is second knowledge, second nature, so depressing. People can adapt to anything, the shame is we put up with it, are there other choices, how can we change things? I just happen to think that way after my time the world will have a unified voice called human rights, hope and pray. A thought provoking write be it lyrics or not. The word needs out there, good job.
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