| CATEGORY: Poetry |
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The Serenade of the Earth and the Moon
She yearns for his caress in the depths of her heart
but dances gracefully out of reach of his touch
She wanes as she waits for the next song to start
then shyly shows a sliver of a thigh
Feeling emboldened by the passion in his eye
she coyly reveals more of her beauty
not a sound from his lips but a quivering sigh
the sun playing chaperone, it's her duty
As the music keeps playing and her passion swells
she shrugs off the darkness from her breast
the tension that’s between them now as fragile as shells
his oceans now gushing with lust
The Sun hovers sternly at the edge of this scene
like a matron keeping eye on sweet teens
if Earth ever chooses to mate with his queen
their embrace is the last thing to be seen
by acolyte (Viewed 399 times)  Show Brief Description
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: |   kuirq 
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| Critique Date: | 09/18/2009 |
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| Critique: | Oddly enough, your ending made me smile. Talk about an explosive/scorching/forbidden love affair! It's a very imaginative piece, and I enjoyed reading about it. I liked how there were two levels of imagining it, as the literal sun and earth and as metaphors. I did a double take as well concerning the uncommon sexuality you assigned to the sun and earth, but I must admit it worked perfectly fine. By the way, I don't know if you meant to capitalize "Sun" all throughout the poem, I just noticed it wasn't in the second stanza. Thanks for sharing this, acolyte. |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |  bluemoon
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| Critique Date: | 09/15/2009 |
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| Critique: | Hi acolyte, I totally enjoyed the personification and metaphor in this celestial love affair. I love how you used the different phases of the moon to tempt the earth - 'then shyly shows a sliver of a thigh' - a wonderful description of a crescent moon. It's cleverly done, incorporating the moon's pull on the tide and finally the eclipse, all under the watchful eye of the matronly sun. I must admit to having a little trouble thinking of Earth as masculine, as I always think of 'Mother Earth'. That aside it's a super poem, well done. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | Katina
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| Critique Date: | 09/15/2009 |
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| Critique: | The writing is excellent. The wording, internal rhymes and imagery are all A+ work.
Favorite stanza: "The Sun hovers sternly at the edge of this scenelike a matron keeping eye on sweet teensif Earth ever chooses to mate with his queentheir embrace is the last thing to be seen"
Impressive writing here! Deserving of a 4 star rate. Wonderful!!! |
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| Given By: |  raenie
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| Critique Date: | 09/15/2009 |
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| Critique: | I have to agree with both bluemoon & Katina--this is such a beautiful write, acolyte--I can't help but smile with how your poem was written, very vivid, almost seems like we are spectators to this event--the metaphors that you used are perfect, almost like a dance really. I loved this and it shows of your talent wonderfully--I just had a bit of confusion with the Sun, I always associated it as a masculine form--it's unique in the way that i always looked upon it as it's a love story between the Sun & Moon. Reading this gave me a new perspective and it also works really well--thanks so much for sharing this :) |
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