The Sweet Science - Flash Fiction : One-Stop Write Shop

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The Sweet Science

"Lea wid da jab. Lea wid da jab!"

Pop. Pop.

"Tag dat body. Tag dat body!"

Whop. Whop. Whop.

"He's shoo'. He's shoo'!"

Pop. Pop. Whop. Whop.

"Keep attackin'. Keep attackin'!"

Pop. Pop. Whop. Whop. Whop.

The bell sounds.

"Dat's wad I'm talkin' bout, baby! Teah his ass up! Don' stop! Don' stop! Keep comin' off dat jab and falla it. You wan a thro' a hoo'! Lea wid da jab! You wan a come from undaneaf! Lea wid a jab! You wan a come wid da ovahan! Lea wid da jab! Jab! Put em togeva! Jab to da body! Jab to da face! Teah em up, baby!

The bell sounds.

by Ronin Sumomo (Viewed 476 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work

Given By:	hansvonlieven
Critique Date:	12/14/2009

Critique:	Advice of a frustrated coach to a punchdrunk boxer. Quite well portrayed, it shows it how it is. I can't see much of a market for a story like this but for a fun write it's very good. Good exercise for a writer to write in the vernacular from time to time.


Grade:

Given By:	Luna Tique Fringe
Critique Date:	12/03/2007

Critique:	Ha! Ha! Sweet science, indeed. I have to admit even with the title it took me a minute to get it. This is rockin sockin good fun. You can sit in my corner any day. This one goes the distance...It's a knockout. (couldn't help myself, hehe) I love reading and writing dialect, but I often have trouble with the spellings, I see by this I should just relax and let it happen. Love it.


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Given By:	Apparition
Critique Date:	10/27/2007

Critique:	I haven't read something like this in a while. You're very talented in writing in Dialect. Mark Twain himself would be very proud! The Onomatopoeia throught this writing gives you enough sound to be able to see the scenery without describing it. Very amazing!


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Given By:	Katina
Critique Date:	10/27/2007

Critique:	I'm not sure what this is, but it is interesting. Can you tell us in an author's note more about it, like what it is in the poem you are describing? I think a little note may help the reader. I definitely agree with Apparition that your use of dialect is great, however dialect is about language. I am thinking that since the title refers to science are the sounds being described in reference to a science experiment? Or, are the kids in the classroom mumbling to them selves and this is the talk overheard toward the end of the poem? I have many questions. Thanks for posting such a unique piece of writing. Glad to have you on OSWS!


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Given By:	Dennis
Critique Date:	10/26/2007

Critique:	Interesting write here, not too many stories like this one, anyway, that I have read, nice job putting this one together. Dennis


Grade:



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