| CATEGORY: Poetry |
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[Relentless Writing 79 Tokens]
The Lost Boy
On the cusp of sleep, when an image comes to mind
was a long forgotten memory of a long forgotten time
the vision was of sunlight, brightening particles in the air
the light resounding silently on the emptiness that was there
I'm sitting in the lounge of a house long left behind
playing with my train set, although tears had left me blind
the solitude, the silence, just the ticking of the clock,
the sound of creaking floor boards my desolation seemed to mock
The hours creak by slowly, on crutches hacked from wood
why do you leave me alone each day, haven't I been good?
I'll wash my face, and dry my tears, I'll sit as good as gold
but still you won't be here with me, the sunlight is so cold!
*
Startled by this aching sadness, I huddled in my bed
the buried sobs of the boy long lost resounding in my head
a door unlocked, a truth revealed, my understanding clear
the breaking of this wave of pain, for happiness to appear
by acolyte (Viewed 213 times)  Show Brief Description
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| Other Critiques of this Work |
| Given By: |   hansvonlieven 
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| Critique Date: | 12/16/2009 |
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| Critique: | The expressed sentiments are good, however for a piece of rhyming poetry it has a number of flaws. In the first stanza mind......time and air.......there are forced and detract. You also need to pay more attention to meter and rhythm. I will not go through all the stanzas. The one closest to perfection is the last one. Even here the last line has one syllable too many. It's a good poem and could be a great one with a bit more attention to detail. |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: | Rufo7725
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| Critique Date: | 12/07/2009 |
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| Critique: | Your poem had a good plot arc that I enjoyed following. The thought pattern of this little boy, who, neglected by his parents, eventually comes to understand what must be done to feel happiness. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |   Katina
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| Critique Date: | 10/01/2009 |
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| Critique: | The flow and theme of the poem is superb! When using long lines, it is often difficult to keep the flow moving, great job! I enjoyed reading the poem so much; I printed it so that I could hang it in my office.
Suggestions: The one element in the poem that I think could stand for some review is the punctuation or (the lack of periods in some sentences). The last sentence in the first stanza should have a period. I can see why you may want to hold back on the punctuation, it is a device commonly used in poetry. The only problem I foresee with the lack of periods in this poem is that it may take away from the poem rather then making it read better. I would get further review on this element and then make the revisions. Something you could do is to copy/paste your poem as is, add the punctuation then post it as an alternative write. See what others think: without the punctuation or with it. -- Just a thought. Great work! I'm rating it 4 stars and spotlighting it as well. I think the poetry is exceptional quality, even without the periods. |
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| Grade: |  |
| Given By: |  pulltheletter
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| Critique Date: | 10/01/2009 |
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| Critique: | Nicely done. I know that feeling....... |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | Dennis
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| Critique Date: | 09/29/2009 |
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| Critique: | A sad tale about loneliness, is it the parents fault they have to work? Should it be their responsibility to let the child know why things are what they are, probably help the situation. Perhaps invest in childcare where the child has peers and company. A beautiful written piece that tugs at the heart but offers hope at the end. Great work! |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | kuirq
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| Critique Date: | 09/28/2009 |
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| Critique: | I think it's beautiful how you started off the piece with a memory being awakened, and then ending it with the being brought back to reality. It shows just how much of the past will always remain in us. You were able to capture such lonileness, confusion and even guilt. It is indeed sad, and coming from someone who didn't have such a situation, I truly felt for you. This piece made me grateful that I did not have this experience as a child, having a stay-at-home-mother and my father didn't come home late. I can't help but think how truly sad that this is an experience felt by many children today. Thank you for sharing this touching piece. |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: |  raenie
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| Critique Date: | 09/28/2009 |
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| Critique: | Bravo for this write, Tim! You've really managed to capture the sentiments of a young boy left by his parents to go to work. I think a lot of kids experience this today and it really is sad that the effects of this can carry on till adulthood, and what's even worse is so many families are like this because both parents have to earn a living because of the economy. You are really one talented writer--i particularly liked how you started your poem, it becoming a flashback of some sorts, I could almost picture the dust particles amidst sunlight. Though I would suggest adding some commas in some of your lines to help with the rhythm of your poem--such as in "the sound of creaking floor boards my desolation seemed to mock" --a comma after boards...nonetheless, I really liked this poem, thanks so much for sharing! |
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| Grade: | |
| Given By: | bluemoon
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| Critique Date: | 09/25/2009 |
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| Critique: | Tim, this is beautiful, and incredibly moving. I have to admit to
shedding a little tear over this one. It's so sad to think of a child believing his behaviour was to blame for his parents being out all day, not understanding they had to work. You change tense a few times, I think it would work well in the present tense, as you're having that image now as you fall asleep. I think it will help with the metre too, you could leave out a few superfluous words // On the cusp of sleep, when an image comes to mind//a long forgotten memory of a long forgotten time//the vision is of sunlight, brightening particles in the air// light resounding silently on emptiness that's there.// The metre isn't perfect throughout, but you know what, it doesn't matter. 4 stars all the way. Loved it. |
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