Serenity - First Drafts : One-Stop Write Shop

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Serenity

Along the dirt trail

a young brown doe appears

and then she is shot

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Other Critiques of this Work

Given By:	raenie
Critique Date:	10/05/2009

Critique:	Hi bronxbabe & welcome to the site! I must admit that I was taken off guard with your write because of your title--I was expecting something serene, and was pretty much startled with what happened to the doe (I felt like I was the doe, actually)--I do believe that this could be what you were aiming for and you achieved it, especially if you take in the title at first... I just have to note a discrepancy in your use of the pronoun "he"-- a doe would be a female deer (hehe now I have that Do-re-mi song in my head from The Sound of Music! somebody help me!!) oops--going back, you'd have to change it from "he" to "she"...I also think that your write could be listed under "haiku" just scroll down the choices when you edit your work and you'd find it there :) eventhough your 2nd line doesn't have 7 syllables, it's still acceptable as a haiku, especially if considered as a modern haiku...thanks for sharing & I look forward to reading more of your work--keep writing :)


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