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senior year sonnet (to be renamed)

The grains of time pass slow and dire


as if each falls as heavy stone


onto the field now turned to mire


where once great seeds were picked and sewn


but fallowness has left it dry


as it awaits for the new season.


it must subside and idle by


when death would be noble reason.


For from the lee-less sea will rise


when his feathers are no more torn


the bird of Hermes. That which flies


yet full stable and true reborn.


The bird of Hermes becomes tame,


and lo the field is no more lame.



by Rufo7725 (Viewed 1317 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By:[Deleted User]
Critique Date:02/14/2010

Critique:Hi Rufo, I really like your sonnet and your use of iambic tetrameter. The first four lines are just superb and illustrate well the tedium and slow passage of schooltime. It could equally well reference the end of the school year, where the school (or field) lies empty, awaiting the new intake of seeds to nurture then harvest. I think the fourth line is my favourite "where once great seeds were picked and sown" (though I'm wondering if a comma is required - are you saying great seeds were once picked rather than the seeds were once great? -' where once, great seeds were picked and sown'. Great use of language and allegory throughout, and, for the first part, perfect iambic meter. I just stumbled with the meter on a few of the lines towards the middle and end of your sonnet - the lines ending in 'season' and 'reason', and the line 'when his feathers are no more torn' - the iambic metre is compromised by your word choice. Last line would benefit from a comma after 'lo'. Hope some of this feedback is helpful, I have a few thoughts on adapting those lines if you're interested. I'm giving this sonnet a four star rating, the slight deviation from iambic metre is far outweighed by the symbolism & great use of language. Loved it, well done.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: kuirq
Critique Date:02/14/2010

Critique:This is a wonderful sonnet, and I think almost everyone who is ending and beginning a phase in their lives--and not just seniors--can relate to this one. Kudos to you for having the patience to write metered poetry, I am a bit(?) challenged in writing that style of poetry. bluemoon has some suggestions that would be interesting to take note of, just in case you want to revise this some time.  I think there is a typo in the fourth line, perhaps you meant "sown" as in "planted seeds" and not "sewn" (stitched)...Regardless of that, this is a great read, glad to know that out of something uneventful, you were able to come up with something interesting. I hope life after high school will be a lot more exciting for you.

Grade:Excellent


 
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