CATEGORY: Sonnet Bookmark and Share



Unabridged


Perchance, if I could parts of life erase,


by careful choice select the times to keep,


I’d treasure love’s long walks on sunny days,


and cast aside the shade where I did weep


 upon the morn you closed your eyes to mine,


forsaking me to chase a wanton breeze;


negate the lapse between my heart and thine,


to hold the nights we lay entwined with ease.


 


But if this gift bestowed I choose to wield,


to moor thy heart and gently clip thy wing,


I ask, in time, would wretched fate be sealed,


as I, unmeant,  forbade thy soul to sing?


 


Speak fondly to me from thy heart’s refrain,


that I may know my love was ne’er in vain.



by bluemoon (Viewed 177 times)

You must log-on in order to critique and grade any writings. Login here.


Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: Katina
Critique Date:03/19/2010

Critique:Had to return to read this once more, excellent * 10! Ok, poet, when are you going to get your collection of poems pulled together? Hmm. Let's do it! Your not alone if your a member at One Stop Write Shop. Ha-ha, I'm starting to sound like an advertisement. I am "so not" a sales woman! When it comes to selling, I think you could do a fine job, you've sold me on your abilities as a poet. Where is your book and when can I get an autograph copy!!! Publication, Publication, PUBLICATION! Ok. decaf. :) -----------------------------I've been over at Accessible.org, if you don't see me for days on in, that is where I"m working part time now. Have to pay the rent on the website :) - Katina   Incredible Sharon, simply breathtaking! I enjoyed the sound of the poem. The only area that I feel was a little forced was the first line. This is a first read. So I can't say whether I'd recommend revising anything at first glance. Did you use Iambic pentameter for the sonnet? Good work, all the way! I know this is a generalization. I'm a bit tired. I do want to return tomorrow, early and write you a more detailed critique. :)
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: raenie
Critique Date:03/02/2010

Critique:You are born sonneteer, Sharon--wow! You make writing in iambic pentameter so effortless!  I could just close my eyes and picture this in my head (with an English accent to boot)--it reads like a song and something Monet-like pops to mind as well, probably because of how you wrote it--it's hard too choose a favorite line since each flows so well into each other ---my only comment would be your title, though it could just be me, somehow I feel you could've used a more bittersweet approach and not a too general one...aside from that--truly enjoyed your sonnet, Sharon---keep that muse writing :)
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: kuirq
Critique Date:02/28/2010

Critique:Hmm, are you sure you didn't write this some time ago, in your previous life? You sure got iambic pentameter down pat! I loved the sprinkling of inversions, it adds to the mood and setting you created. I could easily imagine this being read a long time ago. You've brought me back in time once more with this one! It's so beautiful, I loved the last two lines, gives the heart a slight twinge, let me say it again...it's very beautiful :). Thanks for sharing this, Sharon :)
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


 
One-Stop Write Shop LLC Copyright 2007-2008
visitors since November 2007!
1279 total writings, and growing!
Designed by Developjet
Members Only
Writers Station
Logon
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile View Blog Send Private Message Send IM via Yahoo Send IM via MSN
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile View Blog Send Private Message
User Action Menu View Portfolio View Public Profile View Blog Send Private Message