CATEGORY: Flash Fiction Bookmark and Share



Night Light

The screams started promptly at eight forty-five, as usual.

Stan dropped his hands to his lap in exasperation, crumpling his paper in the process. “This is getting really old really fast.”

His wife didn't even look up from her favorite show. “Well, it's only been a week since you took his night light away; you've got to give him time to adjust.”

“It's past time for him to adjust...he's twelve, for crying out loud!”

“You know he's always had a thing about the dark, dear.”

“Yes,” he replied, dropping the paper and standing up, “and it's high time he got over it.” He headed for the stairs up to the bedrooms.

“Don't be too hard on him, dear,” she called after him, never taking her eyes off the television.

Stan opened the door to Tim's room and turned on the light, more so that he wouldn't trip than to comfort his son. As usual, the floor wasn't even visible beneath the scattering of toys, books and clothes that lay there.

“Tim? What's the commotion about?”

“Dad,” Tim said from underneath the covers, “I keep telling you...the monster comes out when it gets dark!”

“Son, I've had just about enough of this foolishness. You are twelve years old, and it's well past time for you to get over this!”

“But Dad...you don't understand...”

“I understand just fine, thank you. Now go to sleep, and no more screaming.” Stan turned off the light and shut the door.

Tim hunkered down in his bed, tears streaming down his face. “No, you don't understand, Dad,” he said as his fingers grew claws in the darkness and his teeth became fangs, “but I'm afraid tonight might be the night you do.”



by DaveHughes

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: hansvonlieven
Critique Date:12/13/2009

Critique:Good one! Top job. Well presented and a great twist at the end. The dialogue could do with a bit of strightening out. It sounds a little stilted to me. Oyher than that, excellent.

Grade:Excellent


Given By:[Deleted User]
Critique Date:11/18/2008

Critique:The twist was very unexpected, very good. I think if you would go back and take another look at the dialog, you could make it sound more natural. The slightly forced dialog takes away from the overall thrill at the end. If everything else were more normal, more natural, then the ending would be all the more shocking and, actually, more believable. Also, your pacing seems a little fast, even for flash fiction. Try more complex sentences at the beginning, something that will take a little longer, force the reader to slow down, and then go to your choppier, shorter style towards the end. This will give the reader a sense of suddenly flying towards that unexpected conclusion, of not being in control, just as Tim isn't in control (and really, neither are his parents). Overall, very nice work!

Grade:Good


Given By:[Deleted User]
Critique Date:08/02/2008

Critique:Great story. A very normal and real challenge faced by many parents ..... right up until the end. Great twist. Really enjoyed it.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: jimbo
Critique Date:08/02/2008

Critique:The ending was fantastic. The mother's blase' attitude added a lot, as well. Well done.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: jacquiegum
Critique Date:01/19/2008

Critique:WOW! This made the hair on the back of neck stand up! Great surprise ending. I think it could be longer - maybe delve into the Mother's ambivalence - never taking her eyes from the TV etc. Great start.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Ale E
Critique Date:01/04/2008

Critique:Wow I really liked this short story. I love endings that have a twist- and this surely had one. I wasn't expecting it at all. This story could continue in many directions. Very nice write. ale xox

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:12/31/2007

Critique:A short write here but leaves the reader thinking about the possibilities but it also makes me wonder why his parents did not notice earier? Your story envokes thought and that is what it is about, nice write, Dennis

Grade:Good


Given By: Tubbs
Critique Date:12/27/2007

Critique:Nice short story with an interesting twist at the end. I am almost afraid to think what dad will find out. Your characters, although brief, started to take shape through the dialogue you presented. My question is where are you going to take this story? There is an infinite amount of directions you could go. Interesting write, tubbs

Grade:Good


 
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