CATEGORY: Poetry

[Relentless Writing 7 Tokens]

And the Clock goes Tick

Time goes by
Tick after Tick after Tick.
A second wasted, then two, then three
Tick, Tick, Tick.
.
Have you ever really pondered
Or gave life a real thought?
Nothing lasts forever
Your life cannot be bought.
.
The date and time have been decided
But that remains unknown.
Don't be afriad to aim for the sky
Close your eyes, nothing prolong.
.
I hear the door slowly opening
Creek after Creek after Creek.
Death slowly approaches
Creek, Creek, Creek.
.
Nothing lasts forever
Everything lives to see decay.
So don't overlook anything
For today could be your day.
.
Don't live your life in the shadows
For you may never see a star's light.
Don't ever back down
If it doesn't feel right, just hold on tight. 
I hear your heartbeat
Thump after Thump after Thump.
And the next second silence, it stops
..., ..., ..., .
.
Emotions overwhelm you
So many thoughts rushed to your head.
All you can seem to think about
Were words left unsaid.
.
You didn't see death coming
It took you by surprise.
But life keeps on going
For tomorrow the sun will rise.
.
I hear the funeral bells.
Bell after Bell after Bell.
 A life not lived to the fullest
Bells, Bells, Bells.
.
Tears are shed
But the moon doesn't fall.
Time stops for no one
For no one at all.
.
They say that when you die
Your life flashes before your eyes.
Is it going to be worth watching
That you must decide.
.
Time goes by
Tick after Tick after Tick.
A second wasted, then two, then three
Tick, Tick Tick...
.
Author's Notes: I really want an honest opinion about this poem. This is probably the longest time that it's taken me to write a single poem. I do really think this has some potential and please feel free to be honest and point things out. Also this poem was sort of inspired by the poem Bells by Edgar Allen Poe. (Also this poem is meant to have stanzas but it just doesn't save that way for some reason.)



by Ale E (Viewed 287 times)

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Other Critiques of this Work
Given By: raenie
Critique Date:08/21/2008

Critique:I have to agree with everybody else..this is such an amazing read, thanks to bluemoon for being the way (she quoted a couple of lines from your poem for the "who wrote this" game here)  which I get to read this fabulous piece! You have really captured the mood here, Ale, and I just loved how the repetition of the words worked,  it really does stay in my mind even after I read it--truly a wonderful poem! Thanks for such a moving and wonderfully written poem Ale!  

Grade:Excellent


Given By: kuirq
Critique Date:07/04/2008

Critique:This was an awesome read. The time it took you to write this poem was well worth it, I agree! It was very well-thought out and the repetition of some patterns and words added to the ominous mood of the poem. I loved the onomatopeia as well. This also reinforced (helping me visualize, as well as hear!) the scene that started playing inside my mind as I read the poem. By the way, there is a typo in the third line of the third stanza--afraid. Thanks for sharing this one, a really great read.

Grade:Excellent


Given By: fevilleg
Critique Date:07/03/2008

Critique:this was beautiful.

Grade:Good


Given By: Sgt B
Critique Date:03/21/2008

Critique:First I want to say I liked this rather deep write. Your story line was great & yes I could "Feel" Poe's Bells! I suggest using stanzas to break up the monotony & help to hold the reader's attention. For some reason readers will read 4-20 line poems more then a 80 line poem with no breaks. It would also help break up your subject matter. on a side note: I love Poe's Dark side as well as his loving side. I wrote my "The Stairwell" after reading Poe's "Bells". I loved this one. I intend on keeping an eye out for your edits on this one.
[View Replies]

Grade:Good


Given By: bluemoon
Critique Date:03/21/2008

Critique:Brilliant! As I was reading through this poem I was thinking it had a touch of the macabre, a modern day Edgar Allan Poe, then I saw your footnote. It was worth the wait & I think you definitely achieved what you set out to do. I absolutely love the 3rd & 4th lines, they get inside your head (not sure if thats a good thing or if you'll drive us all insane with the tick, tick, tick ). I think sometimes when I write I feel I have to finish in one sitting, maybe thats where I go wrong, perhaps subconsciously I can hear the tick, tick, tick of time passing by(ha ha). I love the onomatopoeia of the tick, creek and thump beating out the passing of time. Its definitely worth 4 stars & a vote for a spotlight writing but as you've asked for critical feedback I will study it a bit more to see if I have any suggestions. Noticed a couple of spelling mistakes - afriad & rusched. Fab poem & I agree with Dennis, I think its your best write....................................................... As promised I studied a bit more, although I new I loved this poem I struggled to find a rhythm & was unsure of your rhyming structure so I drew a box around your 4 line repetitions (tick, creek, thump etc). Then I could see that in between each of these you have 8 lines with  good rhythm & rhyme. It may help the reader if you were to split your poem into lines of 4 & 8 alternately. The line I then have a problem with is 'if it doesn't feel right, just hold on tight' It seems to leave that stanza unfinished & seems a little long compared to the rest. Also the line  'saying goobye to a life not lived to the fullest' seems a bit wordy. Sorry this is such a long critique. Hope you find it helpful & not offensive. I'd give you 5 stars if I could.  
[View Replies]

Grade:Excellent


Given By: Dennis
Critique Date:03/21/2008

Critique:Definately one of your better writes. I can see why it took you a prolonged time to write. You treat the subject realistly, a faith that we all must experience, no running away. I think the theme is to live your life to the fullist because you only have one chance to do so, hopefully, no regrets. I also like how you related the beginning to the end, a second wasted, then two, then three, this creates an urgency as related to the theme. I can only guess about the time I have wasted in life. How precious it is. Thought provoking too, thanks for sharing. Dennis

Grade:Excellent


Given By: crazyss
Critique Date:03/20/2008

Critique:I love your poem it so true. Enjoyed it. im gonna vote you as a spotlight writer too.

Grade:Excellent


 
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